User's Guide to NoRM

Congratulations on purchasing a new NoRM!

You now own one of the most sophisticated entertainment products on the market today. NoRM offers outstanding value for money, amazing quality of life and a great deal more.

Naturally, you can't wait to get started using NoRM, but before you start it's worth taking the time to read through this guide to familiarise yourself with the features and operation of NoRM. Once you are acquainted with using NoRM you have a lifetime of guaranteed trouble-free operation. You need never fear doing something wrong, and along the way you get to learn about the philosphy that went behind the construction of NoRM, and you can practice using it's varied features.

Unpacking

[Unusual circumstances] Your NoRM should come already functioning. The clothing elements should not be removed under normal circumstances, as they provide essential coverage of some of the more sensitive moving parts.

Setting up and installation

Before recieving your NoRM it was vigorously soak-tested in various situations and locations for a period of several years. It should reach you in perfect working order.

Normal use and maintainance

Little operator intervention is required with the normal day-to-day operation of your NoRM. It is designed to operate autonomously.

The NoRM runs on normal household foodstuffs. For the continued smooth operation of your NoRM, we recommend the following products:

Lasagne.: The NoRM runs best on good vegetable lasagne recipes, but is very fussy about the quality. Bad recipes can have negative effects.
Chili con carne.: Chili based foodstuffs are high on the list of the discerning NoRM owner. In particular chili con carne, especially as served by J.D.Wetherspoon public houses.
Pizza.: Deep-pan works better than thin crust pizzas, but in general many different pizzas will keep your NoRM running without complaint. For best results, we recommend a combination of pepperoni, ham and sweetcorn toppings be placed on your pizza, and enhance the tomato sauce elements.
Dr. Pepper.: Of all soft drinks on the market, this has been found in our test labs to have the best results, ensuring the NoRM runs at peak efficiency, operating 8.4% better than when running on Coca-Cola (at a constant 54mph).
Fruity malt loaf: When sliced thickly, and spread with margarine, this should be used only in special circumstances, or last thing at night.

Maintainence

NoRMs need a lot of extra maintainence. This should usually come in the form of hugs. When your NoRM needs a hug, it will inform you.

Accessories

Along with your NoRM, you should receive several accessories which enhance and complement the product.

Remote controls.: Your NoRM should arrive with several remote controls. Please note that none of these are configured to affect the behaviour of NoRM, except as a side-effect of changing the television channel, or the CD playing.
Colin: Now a standard in the range, Colin the Moose was originally a costly extra. This cuddly Moose works especially well in tandem with NoRM, especially at gatherings of people.
Brum: This fuzzy teddy bear is available at little extra cost. It works well with the NoRM, especially in helping him type.

Safety instructions and precautions

the manufacturer cannot be held responsible for any damage which is incurred by not using NoRM in accordance with the safety guidelines.
ensure that air is can circulate freely through NoRM's ventilation openings.
high voltages are not present inside the product. Introduction of any voltage to the product will result in extensive and possibly irrepairable damage.
there are no user servicable parts inside. For repairs, please consult a qualified service engineer, or plumber.

Disclaimer

do not eat. consult your doctor if symptoms persist. value of shares may go down as well as up. dispose of safely. in the event of fire break glass. hold by edges only. serve chilled. do not cross the line. this is a class one laser product. always read the label. objects in the mirror may appear closer than they are. keep away from children. batteries may explode if disposed of in fire.

bunch of arse.

Complaints

If you are unhappy with your product, please contact the Consumer Services Department, who will place you on hold for nearly an hour, then transfer you to several different people. Eventually you will speak to someone sufficiently not unhappy to listen to your complaint. Several minutes of unfelt sympathy sounds later, your address will be taken and many trees worth of leaflets describing your consumer rights and our customer charter will arrive within a month.

Please carefully ignore these and read the attached complaints form. This has several parts, with complex instructions on how to best fill it out so that we can process it efficiently. Follow the instructions carefully, and send the completed form to the department for disposal.

Technical data

dimensions	5'8" ish, quite broad across the shoulders
weight	not especially heavy
age	24
max tilt for normal use	15%
hair	long (damn long), brown
eyes	two, chromatically variable from grey to blue via green
resolution	1280x1040 72Hz
favourite quote	"I say... let 'em crash"
collects	T-shirts with interesting designs; moose paraphernalia
voltage	0.3mv
saddest fact	has seen Star Trek II almost 100 times
best scene	beaming into Regula: "Where are we going...?"
frequency	104.9 FM
consumption	normally twice a day
strangest pastime	reading Quantum Mechanics textbooks

NoRM is over 80% bio-degradable, and can be easily recycled once it has reached the end of it's servicable lifespan.

Last updated: Mon, Apr 14 1997
Norman McBride · [email protected]