This file only addable by kent
kent's Diary
===============
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Jul 26 10:25:51 1996 GMT ]--
From: VIVAT GRENDEL! (kent)
Subject: Wow.
This is quite a surprisingly daunting prospect. What to write?
Never mind what to write, what options do I set?
Xrated? That's a good question. Just how offensive *are* the inner workings of
my mind?
Generate a Log? Hmmm. If I do, my ego will be massaged nicely if I become
widely read. But it will atrophy to nothing if it's a case of "Last Read: 3
mounths, 11 days". I hope some people scan these menus, so it won't look too
bad...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 30 14:36:26 1996 GMT ]--
From: VIVAT GRENDEL! (kent)
Subject: Tuesday...
Well, I've just had one of those days which i believe virtually every mono user
can relate to - the 8 hour login, with no work to show for it. That is unless
you count a limited amount of advancement on MUDs.
I find it slightly worrying that I appear to have no capacity to do work
whatsoever. This will probably be a drawback when it comes to earning a living,
eventually. Still, perhaps the "I did no work yesterday" factor will spur me on
to greater things tomorrow. Maybe I should find a way to disable telnet
entirely. That way I would at least have to do something constructive to waste
my time.
I may go shopping later. I'm sure the world of games, cards, comics and CDs
will offer something to entertain my jaded palette.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jul 31 08:37:34 1996 GMT ]--
From: VIVAT GRENDEL! (kent)
Subject: Things that destroy the soul.
I've found another thing that has probably contributed to the gradual
destruction of all our souls: Plain Biscuits.
You know the ones - biscuits lacking in anything likely to attract an
interested mind, like Rich Tea, Lincon, Nice, or Arrowroot. All singularly
lacking in interest value.
Our parents all bought them, along with good biscuits such as chocolate
digestives, jammy dodgers, and custard creams. And we used to get into trouble
if we took too many good biscuits, and not enough plain biscuits.
The question is, why buy plain biscuits at all? They don't cost any less than a
good, workmanlike Bourbon Cream, or at least not much less. No-one actually
prefers them to good biscuits. I know I used to have some vague idea when I was
younger that they were better for you or something, and that the reason they
were bought would be revealed to me as I reached the age of 21. No explaination
has been forthcoming, however, leading me to believe that there is absolutely
no reason for these accursed, sad examples of confectionery to exist.
When I have children, I shall not force them to eat such mediocrity.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jul 31 08:40:15 1996 GMT ]--
From: VIVAT GRENDEL! (kent)
Subject: kazeniory
The above is the word formed by the letters of our menu in the Ks. Sounds
quite interesting. I wonder what it means.
Hmmm. I wonder if other diary menus have nice words like ours.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jul 31 08:48:23 1996 GMT ]--
From: VIVAT GRENDEL! (kent)
Subject: Other menu words.
Most seem to have meaningless, unsayable strings of letters.
The only useable ones seem to be:
E - Elfprov
H - Hateup
L - Laeniv
S - Sartcuel
W - Bwareio (I think you'd have to put an apostrophe in there - B'Wareio)
I still think Kazeniory is pretty much the best. *pride*.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Aug 2 16:55:39 1996 GMT ]--
From: A Rose, A Hug and a 12 Inch Switchblade. (kent)
Subject: Well, for the first time today, time to think...
A project with a cast iron deadline. Nasty things.
I'm in better spirits now than I was earlier in the week. I was depressed on
wednesday, so much so, that a Bond film failed to raise my spirits.
No, not depressed, really. More a fit of ennui. Still, depression or
desolation, I wasn't chirpy.
Now however, I have spent time in the company of interesting and charming
people, and so have regained an enthusiasm.
Actually, I'm not surprised the Bond film failed to cheer me up. Licence to
Kill is quite dreary, really. Especially since the chief bad guy is just some
kind of drug-smuggler. Where are SMERSH and SPECTRE when you need them?
Watching Charles Gray or Donald Pleasance stroke a persian cat would have
cheered me up no end...
Must sign off now. Matters arcane call...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Aug 8 09:31:36 1996 GMT ]--
From: A Rose, A Hug and a 12 Inch Switchblade. (kent)
Subject: My Weekend...
I had a strange weekend. Mostly a strange Saturday night. I attended a Vampire:
The Masquerade LARP event. In which I was entertained by collections of social
dysfunctionals attempting to be witty and aloof, but in fact only achieving
offensive and stand-offish. Quite amusing. I have found that the skills I
learned as a teacher - ie the ability to fly off the handle for no reason, at
the drop of a hat - to be very useful in roleplaying derangements. So much more
convincing than the usual wandering around dressed funny, saying ridiculous
things.
By the way, does anyone reading this have any first hand experience of the
aristocracy? Do they actually wander about acting like overbearing tossers? If
not, someone should really tell those who play the Ventrue, as that's what they
think it entails.
Had a nice day yesterday too. Bought myself a laser pointer, which brings
pleasure far beyond that which you would expect from a glorified torch. It is
also pretty easy to mount on the top of my replica guns, which adds
intimidation value in roleplaying.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Aug 13 10:33:15 1996 GMT ]--
From: A Rose, A Hug and a 12 Inch Switchblade. (kent)
Subject: X Windows.
Nasty. I have a project to do on the subject, which I will do, as soon as I get
the faintest clue how it works. Sympathy Welcome. Explainations of X probably
not welcome.
I had an unusually active weekend this week. Spent Saturday alternately
shopping and drinking, until 2am. Then went out to see Independence day on
Sunday at 1.30, and continued the drinking process. This may not sound too much
fun, but I did get to quarterstaff fight outsid The Swan,so that was cool.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Aug 16 10:25:36 1996 GMT ]--
From: A Rose, A Hug and a 12 Inch Switchblade. (kent)
Subject: Saw something interesting today.
Around here there is a graffiti artist(s) who spends his/her/their time writing
the following:
N
G O D
Fair enough, I think, the side of a shop is clearly the place for this kind of
minimalist theological discussion. However, today, I saw the following:
N
P O P E
Now, like him or not, I don't believe that there's too much doubt over his
existance. Strange...
And full marks to the witty christian chap how spends his/her time altering the
first one to read:
K
N
G O D
W
It's this intellectual cut and thrust which makes the walls of Liverpool a joy
to read.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 28 12:19:47 1996 GMT ]--
From: A Rose, A Hug and a 12 Inch Switchblade. (kent)
Subject: Wow.
This purchasing a Pentium stuff is really exciting. I am currently looking ar
*four* (count 'em ) ways of buying one.
1. Get a friend to build me one.
2. Buy the bits and build one myself.
These both have the vexed problem of maintainence and guarentees.
3. Buy from an ad in Computer shopper.
4. Buy from a shop in town.
These are more expensive.
I think I've settled on #4. So, by Saturday, I will probably be playing Quake
in the comfort of my own home. Very fast.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 3 10:44:48 1996 GMT ]--
From: My life is one long Lesbian Wedding (kent)
Subject: The Eagle Has Landed.
I am now 1400 quid lighter, and the Pentium is mine. All hail my Pentium.
In anticipation of it's Friday delivery, I have already bought myself Quake,
CivII and a nice joystick.
It's nice to know that I take powerful hardware seriously.
MUHAHAHA!
I needed that.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 3 10:46:50 1996 GMT ]--
From: My life is one long Lesbian Wedding (kent)
Subject: Hmmm.
I notice that the nice word on our menu KAZENIORY has metamorphed to KAGZENORY.
This is still barely pronounceable, but I fear for the future.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Sep 5 10:52:22 1996 GMT ]--
From: My life is one long Lesbian Wedding (kent)
Subject: Actually, it's Kagzeniry.
Not as floopy, but does have the attribute 'zen', which is a comfort to the
wannabe philosophers among us.
I have now only two days to complete a C++ project, which was slated for five.
I failed to attend all but one of the lectures, so it's an interesting
experience. Actually, looking at the lecture notes, it looks as if they might
have been quite interesting. C++ programming is a comfortingly philosophical
process, and a pursuit that I could quite warm to.
On a different not, I hope Radiohead are able to avoid taking their work home
with them. Listening to The Bends as I am, I note that they appear to be
depressed little chaps on recordings. I sincerely hope that when they get home
that they are able to have a nice time watching TV and playing computer games
and whatever.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Sep 6 11:05:19 1996 GMT ]--
From: My life is one long Lesbian Wedding (kent)
Subject: Wow.
I remembered how to ftp stuff to the PC terminals. Not something I've done for
quite a while...
My PC arrives 7pm tonight. I am fairly bursting with antici..... pation.
I have bought new toys for it, so I will be very happy. Blissfully so. I will
probably spend no more than half an hour away from it this weekend, and that
will be to walk my dog. The rest of the time she can sit on my bed and watch me
play Quake...
I have also realised that I now have a larger Monitor than TV. That's a scary
indicator of my priorities.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Sep 13 14:52:17 1996 GMT ]--
From: We all know what you've been doing... (kent)
Subject: Having owned a PC for a week now...
I can honestly say I have never been more satisfied with a purchase. The
inordinate outlay for my stereo pales into virtual insignificance.
I have discerned only two problems:
1) Software is very expensive. It's packaging also contains a subliminal
quality, allowing it to tap into your subconcious and plant orders for you to
purchase it.
2) Software also contains this subliminal quality. Because of this, vast tracts
of my life have disappeared. I have no idea where they went, or what I did in
them. If anyone has noticed any suspicious assassinations recently, I suspect
it may have been me, acting under the orders of Bill Gates.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 17 11:02:36 1996 GMT ]--
From: We all know what you've been doing... (kent)
Subject: Hurrah!
Windows '95 has started acting up! Anyone who knows how to sort out a "Windows
Protection Error" occuring on shutdown please meail me. It's possibly related
to a difficulty renaming certain files from the dos prompt.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 6 13:56:26 1997 GMT ]--
From: Kent: Agent of B.A.K.K. (kent)
Subject: I'm back, it would seem.
Wow. 45 weeks away. That's like, nearly a year.
And what a nearly a year it's been. Last september, I was a recently resigned
ex-teacher, with nothing to make me smile but the knowledge I'd never do *that*
job again.
Then came the cruel months. Three months of "Executive and Professional
Jobclub." For those not in the know, Executive and Professional Jobclub is the
same as normal jobclub, except you get given copies of Computing and Computing
Weekly, instead of the Liverpool Echo.
Three mean months of that. A really grim experience. I, at least had prospects.
There were a lot of middle aged guys there, who knew full well they'd never see
the inside of any office except the dole office again, because all the jobs
going were got by people like me. They were remarkably nice to me give that. I
hope theyre OK.
Then I got a job in Kingston, in Surrey. Computer Programming. Well paid enough
to call myself a proffesional, but barely. Given that I got my rent paid on the
dole, and my loans insurance would take care of them, I would have better of on
the dole.
Then about 2 months ago, a friend headhunted me to his company in Woking. So
now I'm an Internet Systems Engineer.
The wheel turns full circle. From spodding I came,
and to spodding I return. It's not the best job in the world, but it pays well,
and hey, it's 2.45 pm, and I'm writing my diary and eating fruit pastilles. Not
many people have a job of that standard.
In the interim between jobs, I got myself a flat. Which has been a weird
experience. For the first time, I have a place that's mine, mine, and noone
elses but mine. It's quite weird. I left the washing up for a week, just to see
if anyone would tell me to wash up. No-one did. Woooooooo.
I also went through one of those key moments in life recently. I bought a
washing machine.
Not terribly impressive, you say to yourself, what's so special about that?
That's just it. Not special at all...
Most of the stuff you (or at least I) buy are like toys. Toys for adults,
maybe, but Videos, TVs, Stereos, Computers, even armchairs and setees are
basically consumer goods designed specifically for my gratification. Toys.
Not the Washing Machine. Oh No. It's a white cube with a round door which
washes clothes. Doesn't matter how automatic it is. Doesn't matter that it's
also a tumble dryer. It's not a toy. I have finally spent a large sum of money
on something which my parents owned that I never wanted one of myself. Which is
one more step towards creeping adulthood.
A real Childhood's End moment is buying a washing machine. Avoid it if you can.
No matter how much interest free credit they tempt you with.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 13 15:33:28 1997 GMT ]--
From: Grifting, Just Grifting (kent)
Subject: It is halfway through the month.
I have run out of money.
Accept no cheques from me for the next couple of weeks.
The world of Cable Internet becomes a darker place. Our company has announced
huge numbers of redundancies, of which none of them look like being in the
internet branch. We roam the halls, wearing scruffy clothing, and ordering
pizzas, safe in the knowledge that the cloud of doom hangs elsewhere, while
people in less secure positions wear their best clothes, work through their
lunchhours and try to make themselves indispensible. They hate us. We do not
care.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 27 12:26:32 1997 GMT ]--
From: The Force Is Strong In This One (kent)
Subject: Further darkness.
We approach the point of no return. It seems that our exalted position as
unfireable is threatened. While we do not have to bear the brunt of the losses,
it seems even Internet people are not safe. We estimate that one of us must go.
To safeguard our positions, we plot the downfall of ourr fellow man. It is
truly a Dark Time...
On a lighter note, I had a visit from my family and friends this weekend, which
included a visit from my dog, who is, to be honest, the only one who really
matters.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 27 12:28:06 1997 GMT ]--
From: The Force Is Strong In This One (kent)
Subject:
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Aug 28 14:58:26 1997 GMT ]--
From: Your Powers Are Weak, Old Man. (kent)
Subject: The Jedi....
I have a theory. All that stuff Luke was taught about the jedi. Rubbish. Obi
Wan and Yoda lied to him, just like they did about everything else.
Obi-Wan and Yoda had one thing in common. They are complete bottlers. Tatooine
is describe by Luke as "If there's a bright centre to the universe, then it's
the planet furthest from." And good old Obi-Wan changes his name and goes and
hides in the bit of this backwater that's furthers from anywhere useful.
And look at Yoda. Creepy little git hides on a planet that R2D2, a Navigation
droid, has never heard of. And he lives in the middle of a jungle, so that the
life form readings will cover him, so the Empire can't even scan for him.
I reckon that the rest of the Jedi Knights were well hard blokes. I reckon that
during the Clone Wars, as soon as evil reared it's ugly head, they pulled out
the old lightsabres and charged it head on. They may have been destroyed by
Vader's betrayal to the Emporer, but I'll bet they went down hacking away like
heros, with none of this "A Jedi Uses His Powers For Knowledge And Defence,
Never For Attack" Bollox.
I think it's high time that these creepy little cowards were exposed for what
they really are.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Aug 28 15:02:42 1997 GMT ]--
From: Your Powers Are Weak, Old Man. (kent)
Subject: And furthermore
If it's so critical to take out Vader and the Emporer, why didn't Obi Wan and
Yoda gang up on them? Force wise, they were both harder than Luke by miles. But
what do they do? Get some poor farmboy, fill his head with a a few tacky little
powers and a bunch of ridiculous lies, and send him to almost certain death.
Luke only beat the Emporer because Vader turned back from the Dark Side, which
Yoda said he reckoned wouldn't happen. So how the hell was Yoda expecting a kid
like Luke to do against him?
Irresponsible cowardly idiots, the pair of them.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Aug 29 14:24:47 1997 GMT ]--
From: Your Powers Are Weak, Old Man. (kent)
Subject: More evidence.
A quote from Jabba the Hutt: "Bargain Rather Than Fight? He Is No Jedi."
We assume Jabba's met a few Jedi, or he wouldn't mention it. Thus, we see that
the expectation from someone who's met Jedi Knights is for a bloke to come in
running, waving his lightsabre. Further evidence that this "Knowledge and
Defence" nonsense is the product of Yoda and Obi-Wan's collective warped
imaginations.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 2 15:30:45 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Diana theory.
This may well be some huge conspiricy by those LA Boutiques. They bought Di's
dresses for large sums, but they're going to be worth 10 times what they paid
for them (at least!) now. 1000% profit? Sounds fishy to me.
Especially since they probably have a large selection of Versace originals
too...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 2 15:36:58 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Dark Times III
I got a letter today. I am now officially "At Risk". Their tactic seems to be
to wear us down. First they tell us that there will be redundancies, but you're
OK. Then they say there will be changes in our dept. Next they tell you that
you're At Risk. Not sacked, nothing final, just At Risk.
Meanwhile, thouse who can get other jobs leave. Still, they tell us, this won't
help. Jobs are redundant, not people. If your job isn't important, you're
sacked, despite being the only one left in your department.
Dark Times indeed.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Sep 3 17:08:08 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Dark Times IV
Wow. Now we know. One sacking between 5 of us. If we can kill of one of the
others, we'll be safe. I'd better stop letting people make coffee for me.
It's amazing to watch. I'm surprised to see just how many all time lows there
are for our collective morales to sink to.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Sep 3 17:09:32 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: On the plus side...
While ransacking my recently resigned boss's office, I found a cd player. And I
got some other resigner's cellphone. I'm like a vulture on the corpse of
Telewest...
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Sep 3 17:14:49 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: I had a brief thought...
I wonder if you searched everyone's diaries for the word "Diana" right now, how
many hits would you get?
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Sep 4 08:43:16 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Evidence for the paranormal...
This morning, as I prepared for my shower, I noticed that the showerhead of my
shower had been moved from it's customary "UP" position, to a lower angle,
meaning that it was too low for me to shower under (I'm quite tall, you see).
How did it move? I didn't move it. There's been no-one else in my flat since I
last showered. You might conjecture that it fell of it's own accord, but as
it's held it's "UP" position for a good 2 months now, I can't see why it should
fall now.
An extreme theory might be that some mystic force was at work. This we
immediatately dismiss, on the grounds that the paranormal is generally
associated with awe and wonder, and not the inexplicable shifting of bathroom
appliances.
The question is, how many genuine cases of paranormal activity do we ignore
every day on these grounds?
The pen you drop on the floor which *completely disappears*
The set of keys that you *know* that you didn't leave where you eventually find
them?
Odd thumping noises you dismiss as "something upstairs falling over" when a)
you look later, and find nothing fallen over and b) what was supposed to have
knocked it over anyway?
The paranormal is all around us. And it's more normal than para.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Sep 5 09:08:30 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Another Tiresome DIANA edit...
Recalling the events of Sunday last...
I woke at about 9.30, and stumbled downstairs. I made myself some coffee, and
switched on the TV, to be greeted with the sad news, and the sight of
innumerable individuals laying wreaths at the gates of Mrs. Queen's House.
Who are these people? Assuming they are lighter sleepers than myself, let's say
they woke at 7am. This means that within 2 1/2 hours of waking up they'd heard
the news, rushed out to a florist, got a wreath, bombed it down to Buck. House
and settled in for a good old mourn.
Is this normal? Where did they get wreaths
at that time in the morning, on a Sunday anyway? I realise that Sunday morning
is a busy time in the floral tribute market - our local cemeteries get a lot of
mourner business at that time - but still, they'd have had to be open before
9 am, surely? People have clearly run out, woken up these poor florists - "WAKE
UP! WE WANT TO MOURN PUBLICALLY!" - forced them to make wreaths, possibly
before their first cup of coffee, and hurtled down The Mall. This is not the
action of a rational mourner.
Whenever I've had occasion to mourn (and for
people considerably closer to me than Di) I've tended to sit quite still for a
while, take it in, and generally be a bit stunned. This frenetic activity
really doesn't seem normal.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Sep 5 09:26:01 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: And furthermore
You really got some weird mourners too. I recall one woman who claimed she felt
the loss keenly because "She was a mother too". She must buy a hell of a lot of
wreaths then, given that I would imagine something like 70% of all women who
die are mothers.
And why Buck House anyway? Is it entirely correct to put wreaths at the gates
of the deceased's ex-husband's mother's house? I don't think so. Maybe people
were trying to make them feel guilty for cutting her off...
Looking at all this unseemly wailing I sometimes wonder if we're in the
minority. As Monoites, we're generally cool, ironic postmodernists with a
cynical attitude, most of whom were cruising the information superhighway while
it was still a dirt track. Are we at more of a distance, due to our practiced
MTV generation stance?
I suppose there's also a degree of familiarity breeding contempt. I know I've
reached the stage where I resent them closing the shops tomorrow morning. MAybe
it's like the footage of the Kennedy assassination. When you first see it, it's
a shock, an icon of it's time, showing the frail mortality of one of the
world's greatest and most powerful men. These days I just think "Nice Car. Stop
climbing on the seats, Jackie."
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Sep 6 13:01:39 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Saturday afternoon, 2pm.
It's weird, and I've not noticed before, but the cars are just stared moving
again. I hadn't noticed that it was so quiet, until they started up again. I
guess the nation did mourn then, in it's own way.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Sep 8 08:35:49 1997 GMT ]--
From: Bueno Excellente... (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Events of Saturday.
Apparently, my dog sat and watched the entire service in total silence. Until
the 1 minutes silence, where she noisily savaged a slipper. When the 1 minute
was over, and the bell rang, she immediately shut up, ad started watching the
TV again. This may be considered typical of my dog, and indeed, of my family.
A weird bit of synchronicity. Recently, DC Comics decided to kill off Wonder
Woman. Another Princess Diana gone...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 9 08:37:40 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: Had some horrifying news on Sunday.
I went into my local Virgin Megastore, and noticed a 3 for 20 quid offer on
Westerns. Being something of an afficionado, I decided the time was right to
buy such things. On the stand were, amongst others, "For A Few Dollars More",
and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." No "A Fistful Of Dollars". Thinking that
it would be nice to pick up all three, I enquired at the cash desk after the
fate of Fistful of Dollars. Apparently, it's deleted.
Ho the hell can they do that? It's a trilogy! You can't delete the first of a
trilogy, and release the other two. It's not right. OK, Fistful was actually
the least good of the three, and if you have a burning desire to watch it, you
can watch Yojimbo instead, but what is the world coming to?
I was forced to take the only action open to me. I bought The Magnificent Seven
instead. Not a particularly revolutionary stance to take, I'll grant you. But I
have a copy of Mag7, which makes it all ok.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 9 08:47:44 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: Prince Harry.
People have commented that his wreath on the coffin with the word "MuMMy"
written on it was moving. Worrying more like.
Upper case M, Lower case u, Upper case M, Upper case M, Lower case y. In
childish copperplate print.
This kid is 12 years old, for chrissakes. Having dabbled in teaching, I can
offer a proffesional opinion on this, and that opinion is that the kid's
probably half illiterate. Worrying, considering that he's a member of Britain's
first family. And shares the self same genetics as our future king...
The country needs a new royal family. And it should be selected by a written
exam.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Sep 18 15:31:33 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: Why is it...
That the entire computing industry is staffed entirely by
a) Startlingly fat unhealthy people.
or
b) Startlingly emaciated weedy people?
I am myself veering towards a), although I'm attempting to get to b).
There seem to be no states in between. I wonder why?
I think I'll try for c) Large, relatively healthy people, but I will no doubt
find I'll get back to a) with unfortunate speed.
Still, I feel I've lost a couple of pounds since Monday, so I feel pretty good.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Sep 22 15:56:15 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: 4:52
Quite a sould destroying time is 4:52 for the working man.
You aren't yet at 5:00pm, which is some kind of watershed, but even that will
leave you 1/2 an hour shy of hometime.
There's a feeling that hits you at 4:52. You've done all the useful work you're
going to. You've read all the bits of mono you usually do, and now the scans
are coming up empty.
You've drunk all the coffee you feasibly can. You could go and get a bag of
crisps if a) you weren't on a diet and b) you had any change.
Web surfing, usually a fine activity, just seems to be one long round of
looking at the same old sites. Nothing seems diverting or amusing anyway.
You look at the clock, and it's 4.55. Still 5 minutes shy of the meaningless
5pm watershed.
MAybe it's time to surf the job sites...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 23 09:09:19 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: I was just thinking...
I was just wondering what Princess Leia's reaction was when Luke wandered in
and said their was good in Vader...
"There's good in him Leia."
"Good in him? The bastard tortured me!"
"Yes well, it was the dark side... he turned to the light side before he died."
"Dark Side? Dark Side ?!? The twat blew up my home planet! Millions of people
killed! You're trying to say he can absolve all that by saving your miserable
life when he's dying anyway?"
and so on...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 23 15:58:12 1997 GMT ]--
From: Vampire: Play-By-Mono. <RRP> (kent)
Subject: I'm in the 4.50 zone again...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Sep 25 16:18:14 1997 GMT ]--
From: I May or May Not Be Jack Regan (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: A question.
Thrust SSC. Has gone faster than any land vehicle, but hasn't got the record
because it hasn't done it again within an hour afterwards.
What's that about?
"Well, you've broken the world 100m record, but we're not going to give it to
you unless you do it again right now."
That's got to be weird. It's not as if these runs aren't carefully recorded.
There's no doubt that it managed the speed. So why have to do it again? And
within an hour?
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Oct 1 12:56:57 1997 GMT ]--
From: The Mercenary Eternal (RRPV) (kent)
Subject: Wahey!
I am now *officially* redundant. That's as opposed to the situation I'm usually
in, where I'm just redundant around the office.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Nov 19 14:53:48 1997 GMT ]--
From: RRPV! It's Alive! (kent)
Subject: And now...
I'm now in Wilmslow, Cheshire writing phone software. Funnyhow life turns out.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Nov 25 10:36:06 1997 GMT ]--
From: RRPV! It's Alive! (kent)
Subject: Trains.
A bit annoyed about this. Not a lot, it must be said, but enough to write a
stern complaint about it here, where no-one connected with Northwestern Trains
will see it.
6:03 last night, my train home was cancelled, due to a "Security Alert" at
Sandbach. Ok. Fair enough.
6:20 The next train through the station arrives. It does not stop at my stop. I
have to catch it to Manchester. Given that the stopping service was cancelled
was cancelled, couldn't they have made the express stop? Apparently not.
6:45 Arrive Manchester. Next train to stop at my station 7:10. Buses to my
house run from outside station. Thought I'd save myself a quid and wait.
7:10 Cancellation of my train. This is due to the same security alert at
Sandbach. Given that there were many people waiting for the train, most of whom
weren't going to Sandbach, couldn't they have run the service as far as
Sandbach then turned back? No.
So I got in 1 hour late.
Like little drops of water eroding my soul. Drip, drip, drip...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Nov 25 10:40:27 1997 GMT ]--
From: RRPV! It's Alive! (kent)
Subject: Another petty dilemma
OK. Rented a tape last night. Double bill tape, The Funeral and The Addiction,
both by Abel Ferrera.
Watched The Funeral last night. Cool film.
Won't be able to watch The Addiction tonight because I'm out. Could watch it
wednesday, but I'd have to pay a surcharge at the video library of 2 quid.
so, given that I could probably find *something* to do on Wednesday, is The
Addiction worth 2 quid to watch.
Answers on a Postcard.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Dec 1 17:21:48 1997 GMT ]--
From: Never get involved in a land war in Asia (kent)
Subject: Daleks.
Do they have a sex life? We assume that they get out of the metal suits for a
bit of a wriggle now and again. Do they breed sexually? If so, do they bring
the kids up themselves?
Are there any Dalek civilians? Perhaps with a spade, or a pen, or some other
implement instead of a gun?
We need to know more about Daleks. The only daleks you ever see are those
heroic daleks on the sharp end of the war with absolutely everyone and
everything else. Surely there have to be more daleks at home, keeping the home
fires burning.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Dec 2 12:18:08 1997 GMT ]--
From: Never get involved in a land war in Asia (kent)
Subject: More Dalekdom...
Are there any other designs of Dalek? All the ones we see are the Big Metal
Tanks that you'd expect from the armed forces. The Dalek equivalent of a
Main Battle Tank. Perhaps civilian daleks have designs that more closely follow
their functions. A sporty little number, with a spoiler on the back perhaps.
Maybe more arms to it. Multi function arms. Swiss-Army Dalek.
Maybe some fashion statements. Nice curves, that sort of thing. Maybe some
patterns. Swatch Daleks.
The possiblities are endless.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Dec 6 12:35:58 1997 GMT ]--
From: Never get involved in a land war in Asia (kent)
Subject: Just read a friend's diary.
In it was a description of a dream. Given that I hardly ever remember dreams, I
thought that I'd put down one I had the other day that I did remember. That way
I'll have at least one dream I can look back on...
It was of a house. Large house, whitewashed stonework. Two stories, at least 4
times wider than it is tall.
I get the impression that our family has just inherited this house, perhaps
from my grandmother.
In the house are rooms filled with antiques. I seem to remember a couple of
very large jade vases. The rooms are so full, you have to squeeze past the
contents to move around. Futher into the house, I come upon shelves of books,
many of the books are books I've lost, lent and never got back (Including a
penguin classics copy of Poe's collected works, which someone on mono knows he
still has ;> ).
I can remember a sense of excitement and shame, because I was thinking what all
this stuff was worth.
I then remember driving home in m brother's car, and we discussed spliting the
contents between us.
Hmmm.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Dec 8 12:09:41 1997 GMT ]--
From: Never get involved in a land war in Asia (kent)
Subject: Historical events...
OK, a weird question to ask my loyal readership, but...
Can anyone help me out by suggesting some interesting Historical Events between
1400 and 1800?
I'm strting a new Vampire character, you see, and I'd like to be able to do
loads of Highlander-style flashbacks.
Cheers all...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Dec 9 10:34:43 1997 GMT ]--
From: Never get involved in a land war in Asia (kent)
Subject: An observation.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who can make a good lasagne,
and those who can't.
Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that this is a very useful obeservation,
because you can make no moral judgements based on it.
Ah well. At least I can make a decent lasagne.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Dec 19 11:31:49 1997 GMT ]--
From: *Shrug* The Drugs Work Fine For Me... (kent)
Subject: Just got paid. Niiiiiice.
Hundred quid bonus too. Niiiiiiiiiice.
I would just like to point out how much nicer it is to be given a Cheque,
rather than have your pay paid into an a bank acoount.
Nicer still, last month, I got paid in actual money. Thousand quid, in my hand.
Most of which I had to hand straight over to the rent chap, but still, nice to
have.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Dec 30 10:04:55 1997 GMT ]--
From: *Shrug* The Drugs Work Fine For Me... (kent)
Subject: Some very good things
Christmas has been and gone. This is good. I find that Christmas is usually a
lot better in retrospect or in anticipation. Christmas as a process is a long
round of inflicting yourself on members of your family, or having your family
inflicted on you. Managed to have only one pointless arguement with my mother,
which was good going. Nearly had anotherone about the rules of Scrabble, but I
think I was wise to let it drop. She once more accused me of treating her like
an idiot. She obviously has no idea how I treat idiots.
I am now also in possession of the following items:
a) 80Mb of RAM
b) a 4Mb 3Dfx card
c) An answering machine
d) A speakerphone
e) A Teletubbies mousemat
These are all highly useful items and reaffirm in me the true meaning of
Christmas - the acquisition of Consumer Goods. The 3Dfx card was purcjased with
my christmas bonus, so really, my company gave me my best christmas present
this year. I must circulate a Thank-You Memo.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Dec 30 12:30:48 1997 GMT ]--
From: *Shrug* The Drugs Work Fine For Me... (kent)
Subject: Hmmmm.
How large are Teletubbies? Obviously, they are played by human sized actors,
but we are given no real indication as to the scale at which they exist.
My first thoughts on the subject came to me when I considered the size of
Tellytubby toys, and wondered whether children would notice that they were much
smaller than Tellytubbies. I then proceeded to wonder whether they were
actually at the correct scale.
Thinking about it, if teletubbies are human size, then they have really huge
eyes and really huge ears. If they are only 2 feet tall, then the eyes and ears
are a much more sensible size. This would also explain how come the flowers are
really big, and how you can build a paper windmill that large.
Also, Dipsy's hat and Tinky Winky's handbag become closer in scale to human
objects. La La's ball obviously could be any size, and and Po's scooter was
designed with Po in mind, so it's size proves nothing.
All other teletubby objects are designed for them, so their relative scale
proves nothing. I also move that teletubbyland appears to be a carefully
engineered artifical environment, in which the teletubbies are kept, and
observed by their captor(s).
I theorise that the Teletubbies have been placed in this environment solely for
the amusement of they baby/sun creature, who is clearly the young of some
vastly powerful species of energy creature. There are implications that this
baby/sun entity might be some aspect of Azathoth, the blind idot god of the
Cthulhu Mythos. If so, then it is only the fact that it's attention is captured
by the antics of the tubbies that prevents the universe from being consumed by
Azathoth's mindless ravages.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jan 8 12:47:35 1998 GMT ]--
From: Justice League Liverpool's Green Lantern (kent)
Subject: Miracles and Stuff...
More specifically, religious relics. Many maintain that relics of important
religious figures have power. Fragments of the True Cross, for instance, are
supposedto possess healing powers.
So, the question is, how associated does the relic have to be? How big?
Say the guy who helped Christ carry the cross got a splinter - it's unlikely
they're going to finish and varnish it, so I would have thought that's quite
likely. Does this splinter become a relic? If so, will the act of healing mean
that the splinter will come out of it's own accord? Or will the guy experience
long life, good health, and an annoying stabbing sensation in his hand for the
rest of said long life?
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Jan 9 12:37:37 1998 GMT ]--
From: Justice League Liverpool's Green Lantern (kent)
Subject: My Dog.
More unusually intelligent behaviour. My dog has now learned how to use
electrical appliances. My mother got a lamp for Christmas which is touch
sensitive - touch the lamp, it goes on. My dog has discovered this, and has
learned to switch the light on when she wants it.
She'll learn to work the TV soon...
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Feb 9 11:37:41 1998 GMT ]--
From: Let's Hunt And Kill Billy Ray Cyrus (kent)
Subject: Wow.
I'm going to be an Uncle.
It seems that my brother and his girlfriend have chosen to chance the genetic
lottery that is implicit in any coupling between people like them.
Hopefully the recessive Roberts intelligence gene will make it's presence felt.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Feb 10 10:55:30 1998 GMT ]--
From: Let's Hunt And Kill Billy Ray Cyrus (kent)
Subject: Freeloading.
At work I am currently:
1) Recharging my CD player at their expense.
2) Downloading software at their expense, clogging their bandwidth.
3) Nicking their Zip Drive to take said software home.
In exchange I am doing:
1) Absolutely Nothing.
And I get paid. Somewhere along the line, the universe will notice, and I'll
get one hell of a karmic backlash.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Feb 10 10:55:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: Let's Hunt And Kill Billy Ray Cyrus (kent)
Subject: oh, and I suppose you could add using mono to that first list.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Feb 11 11:24:14 1998 GMT ]--
From: It Takes All Sorts. Unfortunately. (kent)
Subject: Hmmmm.
Why should this be?
Until recently, I have been playing the M:TG Computer Game. While it's fun of a
sort, it has a dismally stupid AI, and playing it is a frustrating and
unfulfilling experience.
Last night I downloaded the online patch, and spent a few hours playing live
opponents. Who, as it happened, were equally Dismally Stupid. However, playing
and beating them turned out to be enormous fun.
Perhaps I'm a bully at heart.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Mar 5 18:49:44 1998 GMT ]--
From: OK. War it is then. (kent)
Subject: A test firing of neurons.
It occured to me today...
Are the Teletubbies the next evolutionary stage of the Care Bears? Care Bears
were small, had animalistic features, and static images on their chests.
Teletubbies are larger, discernably more humanoid, and have animated images on
their persons.
Now, consider: It was no more than 15 years ago that the Care Bears made their
debut. So, in the intervening time, evolution has rattled along at an alarming
pace.
Now, some might point at the Tubbies and indicate that they have less developed
language skills. To this I would say that far from less developed, their
language is becoming more specialised. After all, a creature which can show
animated images with sound on it's chest needs language only to call people's
attention to it's chest.
I envisage that withing 50 years, the Tubbies will have evolved into a
super-race. Godlike, sylphlike beings whose powers would include the ability to
communicate in full colour, totally realistic virtual reality constructions.
They would be able to draw their subject into the reality by means of a strong
psychic urge, which would have replaced their language use entirely. Their
intelligence would have increased exponentially also (view the increase in
intelligence between the bears and tubbies. Bears had *american* accents!
Imagine! Shedding that neanderthal drawl in only 15 years!)
Be warned, ladies and gentlemen. Before your span on this Earth is over, the
Tubbies, or rather their descendants will not be happy creatures who play for
our amusement, but our masters.
Act now.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Mar 10 17:10:29 1998 GMT ]--
From: Medium Atomic Weights Are Availible. (kent)
Subject: Just bought a mobile. Hehehe.
Having weighed up the advantages and disadvantages of the various tariffs, and
closely examined the benefits of each package, I have gone for Cellnet, on
grounds that I got a groovy looking little phone which vibrates. Phones on
Orange, One2One and Vodaphone also singly failed to have a groovy blue metallic
finish.
My next little project is getting a car adapter for it, and adapting the
adapter so that it uses a headset, so that I can talk while the phone is in my
pocket. And wander around looking like an idiot wearing a headset.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 2 09:56:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: Core! Core for everyone! (kent)
Subject: Respect your change jar, for one day it will save your life...
---------------------------------------------[ Fri May 15 14:10:51 1998 GMT ]--
From: Feel The Stag! (kent)
Subject: Here's fun...
Yesterday, I used a modem to phone a customer's site to change some stuff.
My boss just told me that I left it on all night. 20 hours. Long Distance.
About 120 quid they tell me.
Oooops.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon May 18 11:59:38 1998 GMT ]--
From: That which does not kill me makes me... (kent)
Subject: Observation time.
Over the years, I have dismissed Neil Gaiman's Sandman stuff as pretentious
goth crap. This was based on flicking through a few issues, and not having read
any of it through.
The other day my friend lent me copies of the first two collections. Having
read them, I can affirm that they are indeed Pretentious Goth Crap. Only
creditable bit was a reasonably classy cameo from the Martian Manhunter.
Although what the hell he thought he was doing with Dr. Destiny is beyond me...
It's nice to have your prejudices confirmed.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue May 19 12:57:22 1998 GMT ]--
From: See you in the next life.... (kent)
Subject: A testing time for the soul...
I'm beginning to get that feral, werewolf like feeling, which can only mean
that *that* time of the month is approaching. The time when I spend more money
than I can afford on something I really don't need.
I was in Dixons earlier (drawn in by a will not my own) and found myself
looking at Electronic organisers. Psion VIs. Phillips Velos. Palm Pilots. All
of them with a strange fascination....
I felt the weight of my Dixons account card in my pocket, and realised that I
could walk out of there, There and Then, with any one of them. I told myself
that I didn't need one. My mind wouldn't listen. Finally, with a last desperate
gasp, I convinced myself that i would have to consult reviews to determine
which system was preferable. So convincing myself, I fled.
I know I will return there. I know I will buy one. Perhaps if I give in
quickly, the Beast will be sated by a mere 200 pount Palm Pilot. Soon it's
hunger will be all consuming, and nothing less than a Psion IV will do....
I am in hell....
---------------------------------------------[ Wed May 20 11:10:55 1998 GMT ]--
From: See you in the next life.... (kent)
Subject: Staving off the inevitable...
My dark side and I have reached a temporary impasse...
Looks like there will soon be Palm Pilot sized PIMs running windows CE from
Phillips. My Dark Side has grudgingly accepted that one of these is likely to
be the shiny object that I require. I thus have a stay of execution until these
wonders come out. But the price, ah, there's the rub. Probably far in excess of
the price of a USR Palm Pilot...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu May 21 13:10:54 1998 GMT ]--
From: See you in the next life.... (kent)
Subject: Best Before - See End of Can...
What is the point of that? If you're not printing the best before date on the
side of the can, why mention it there? Do they think we have no ability to
examine a small metal cannister until we find the information we seek?
---------------------------------------------[ Fri May 22 11:35:15 1998 GMT ]--
From: MayoISNicerThanSaladCream-BeepIfYouAgree (kent)
Subject: Slugs...
I hate slugs. Slugs are incredibly irritating.
A number of slugs have decided to make their home in my house. I disagree.
Thus, we are at war...
I got two of them this morning. I've mined strategically important areas of the
living room and kitchen with slug pellets. This morning I found two slugs at
the end of crazy weaving trails, in pools of their own slime....
I think I've got them all now.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed May 27 10:14:33 1998 GMT ]--
From: Hero for Hire. (kent)
Subject: I went and ordered a Philips Velo...
350 quid. Fortuitously, I earned exactly that in bonuses this month, so the
Status Quo is preserved.
It ships Thursday. Shiny object en-route....
---------------------------------------------[ Fri May 29 08:24:33 1998 GMT ]--
From: Hero for Hire. (kent)
Subject: Or so I thought.
Goddamn Mariachi Securicor Delivery Men.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri May 29 11:01:56 1998 GMT ]--
From: MonkeyingAboutWithTheParacardialAtrium (kent)
Subject: Aha.
Dixons now do not know where my Velo is, or whether they have sent it or not.
I attempted to cancel the order, and was told that if the thing had been
dispatched, then they would have to get me to send it back when I eventually
recieved it. Useless bar stewards.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jun 3 20:17:41 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: My holy war with Dixons goes on apace...
They tried to deliver it Friday. Some use that was. I wasn't in, and they
didn't tell me when they were coming anyway.
So, I cancelled the order. And phones Securicor and told them to send it back.
Got a grovelling letter from Dixons, which very much sounded like they didn't
realise I'd cancelled the order. They then tried to get back in my good books
by waiving the delivery charge. Of 3 quid. What generosity.
Still, it's got 6 month's interest free credit
on it, so as long as they work it out in that time, I won't be out of pocket.
In the meantime, I bought one from a Dixons shop. (What is this obsession he
has with Dixons? He has a 1000 quid credit card with them since he bought his
washing Machine, that's what...)
Got it home to find that the advertised upgrade offer (+4MB, Internet Kit,
Windows CE 2.0) expired in December 1997. Hmmm. Phoned Philips, and they told
me that it had been extended to May 30th. This was on May 29th. Swiftly posted
the application, and am waiting on the response. If I don't get it back, I'll
be getting a refund... 300 quid for an 8mb CE2.0 machine is a bargain. For a
4mb CE1.0 machine, it isn't...
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jun 10 12:57:55 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: Let joy be unbound...
Classic example of something going from good to bad...
Boss wanders in, and says that we're all going to take the Friday off in two
weeks, and go see the England Vs. Columbia game in France. Travel and Hotel
paid. Sounds OK. Hate football, but a jaunt to France wouldn't go amiss. Just
wander off and go do touristy stuff, right?
Problem 1: It's in Lens. Which is a French mining town. Nothing interesting in
it. Like a day out in Crewe.
Problem 2: No tickets: Looks like we're going to have to find them when we get
there.
Problem 3: As a "Team Building Exercise," my pissing off and leaving them to it
will be frowned upon.
Problem 4: Finding Accomodation at this late stage? We'll be sleeping rough, I
just know it.
Problem 5: I can't get out of it.
I find myself hoping a close relative will die, just so I can schedule the
Funeral for that weekend.
So, loyal readership, if anyone can come up with something that I've
"forgotten" that I'm doing Friday Night/Saturday Morning, it will be *most*
appreciated. Fictitious or not. I'm not fussy. Just so long as I get out of
this ill-omened odsessey.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jun 10 13:05:21 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: Perhaps I should clarify.
You might now be thinking that I'm quite a mean spirited individual, and that I
should get into the spirit of things.
I'd just like to say, that if the expedition had been planned by friends, or
even people I don't know, then I may feel like giving it a go. But the concept
of 56 consecutive hours in the company of my company? Oh no. No way.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jun 10 14:54:19 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: Grrrrrrr.
This morning, new chairs arrived. My nice comfy chair was forcibly replaced
with a crappy chair, which I immediately declared "Unsafe" and "Flimsy".
Just lent back on it, and it broke. Sodding Typical.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jun 15 12:40:39 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: The Velo.
Upgrades have arrived. I am *happy*.
Now have a 12Mb CE2.0 machine, which I need only plug into a phoneline to spod
with. Soon, I shall get a GSM aerial for it, and the mighty shall tremble.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jun 18 16:06:36 1998 GMT ]--
From: Rebo And Zooty Are *Not* Funny (kent)
Subject: Vindaloo...
Meditations on a mindless football chant.
1. It's initially disheartening, listening to the mindless idiots chant
mindless lyrics. I mean, they can't even remember it. They just shout
"Vindaloo, Vindaloo..." repeatedly.
2. Close examination of the situation reveals the involvement of Damien Hirst,
The bloke from Blur, and Keith Allen, Media Spin Doctor extraordinaire. Thus, I
am slightly heartened by an example of 3 members of your post-modernist
intelligencia demonstrating an ability to influence the masses.
3. I then realise *It's still bloody annoying*. Bastards. Three blokes who can
usually be relied upon to do something interesting, have instead causes masses
of idiots to chant drunkenly on trains. Buck up chaps. Nice stunt, but think of
the consequences next time will you?
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jun 23 00:47:15 1998 GMT ]--
From: Stomp me if you've heard this one... (kent)
Subject: Heh Heh Heh.
I'm currntly typing this entry on my palmtop. I can now spod wherever there are
phonelines...
Fear me, puny mortals.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jun 30 23:09:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: I don't want to die in Texas. (kent)
Subject: Well, I'm glad that's over with...
Perhaps now we can finally lay to rest this fallacy that England is, in any
way, a footballing nation.
Let's look at the games:
Tunisia: A country where the national stadium had a pile of coats for
goalposts. England manages: A win, with some effort.
Romania: A country suffering appaling deprivation, in some cases third world
conditions. England manages: To Lose.
Columbia: A country whose citizens are poor and starving, and subject to the
attentions of armed gangs of drug lords, where going outside is dangerous.
England manages : A reasonable win.
Argentina: A second rate South American regime, notable only for oppressive
regimes, cheap beef and a laughable military. England Manages: To choke, get
players chucked off the pitch, and throw away a penalty shootout with both
hands.
So, clearly, as a team, England is best suited to bullying tiny nations with
little to no footballing facilities or traditions.
Now, I wouldn't bring it up, except most English people are under the
impression that we are some form of sleeping giant, as if the 1966 World Cup
were all that were necessary to make England a world class side. Glen Hoddle
pulling 11 names out of a hat isn't enough. His climbdown in selecting Beckham
for the closing matches clearly indicates to me that he had no confidence in
his own selection, so picked Beckham to appease the Mirror reading pondlife who
like the greasy haired tosser. His sending off tonight more than proves that
Hoddle was right all along. Put on the spot, he cracked and reverted to his
natural neanderthal tendancies.
I have far more respect for the other home nations teams. All of them maintain
a spirited "It's great just to qualify, and if we win a few games then that'll
be fantastic." Listening to the coverage this evening, everyone's moping about
like England ever had a realistic chance. I'll lay odds that Argentina get the
crap kicked out of them, the first time they encounter a *real* side.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 14 11:47:44 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Man From N.O.W.H.E.R.E. (kent)
Subject: Comedy.
Returned to my house, last niught, at 12:10 am, only to find I'd left my keys
at work.
Proceeded to break in, trying to remove glass without breaking it. Took ages
about it. Broke it anyway.
_Am now off work waiting for some criminal bastard to come and charge me 55
quid to fit a new window.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 14 19:43:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Man From N.O.W.H.E.R.E. (kent)
Subject: Aforementioned criminal bastard never showed.
So, I sat in all day for no reason. Which I'll catch flak for at work tomorrow.
Fortunately, my amazing powers of Boss Ignoring will protect me.
Criminal bastard says he will come tomorrow while I'm out to fix the window,
which I've sorta agreed to. Which means he'll be leaving me an invoice. Which
means I won't pay him for months. Tee Hee.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 20 11:28:25 1998 GMT ]--
From: "No reward is worth this!" (kent)
Subject: Criminal Bastard tried calling me all weekend, and just got my
answerphone.
Due to reasons of apathy, my answerphone has my old number on it. Thusly,
Criminal Bastard hung up confusedly. Hahaha...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 21 12:20:47 1998 GMT ]--
From: "No reward is worth this!" (kent)
Subject: More messages from Criminal Bastard on my Answerphone...
I think I'll be call screening until payday at this rate. It is strangely
fulfilling to insult someone while you're listening to them live, recording on
your answerphone. Do try it.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 21 16:18:09 1998 GMT ]--
From: "No reward is worth this!" (kent)
Subject: I just had a thought.
The Fonz... was he *really* that cool? I think not.
Consider:
If you saw someone in a shiny new leather, going "hey" in a club, you'd laugh
at him.
Where does he hang out? A malt shop.
Who are his mates? Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph and Potsie. Dweebs all. Sure,
he took the piss out of them, but they were still the only guys he hung out
with.
So, the Fonz's cool is based on: 1) His frankly unbelieveable record with
cheerleaders, 2) his ability to control inanimate objects by hitting them and
3) the fact he owns a bike.
1) is probably more a product of him lying and Richie and co being gullible.
2) is probably a result of him practicing at home lots. Geeky.
3) Hey, anyone can *own* a bike. Anyone ever see him ride it anywhere?
The Fonz is a geek.. Case proved.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 28 13:08:30 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Living Legend of World War III (kent)
Subject: What a day...
All UNIX servers dead and in need of reinstallation...
Power outages during installation...
Someone walking off to another country with the CDs during installation.
Life couldn't be sweeter.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Aug 17 17:15:31 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Living Legend of World War III (kent)
Subject: The Window Saga.
Sent a cheque to Criminal Bastard. Checked latest statement - it wasn't on it,
and I am horrifically overdrawn. Boing.
Hehehe. Well, he can't say I didn't try...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 15 13:28:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: Arthur Curry Sleeps With The Fishes (kent)
Subject: New flat, new danger....
I've moved. I'm now 2 minutes away from work. Just across the road. The day is
now officially 2 hours longer, since I don't waste time travelling.
No phone yet. No doorbell either. I cannot be contacted at home, by any means.
This suits me *just* fine. Especially given the close proximity of work.
So, just need to get the washing machine plumbed in, and I'm sorted.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Sep 15 13:49:30 1998 GMT ]--
From: Arthur Curry Sleeps With The Fishes (kent)
Subject: I Hate the Manic Street Preachers.
I have never heard a more pointless collection of indie middle-class whingers.
"If you tolerate this your children will be next." Tolerate what? Exactly? They
don't seem to know, that's for certain. Judging from the irritating video
("Could you look sadly and meaningfully at the camera for me just *one* more
time? Thanks.") it appears we're all in terrible danger of some faceless
overclass numbering us, barcoding us and taking away our identities. Yawn. It
wasn't new when Patrick McGoohan made The Prisoner in the 60s, and it smells
even more now.
The "Manics" as their pet press like to call them seem to be labouring under
the romantic delusion that they are members of some sort of oppressed
underclass, rather than being members of Britain's Lower Middle Class, one of
the more priveliged groups ever to walk the face of the earth.
All these bleating compaints about being oppressed by the media are self
indulgent, and patently untrue. As a member of the good old LMC myself, I live
a reasonably happy life, and seem to be able to maintain my own opinions
without too much interference from the Media. Maybe the Manics should stop
reading the Mirror.
In short, I will be exercising the freedom which the Manics seem to think I
lack, and refuse to buy "This Is My Whinge, Tell Me Yours" when it is released.
I urge you, my friends, to do likewise.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Sep 16 15:58:01 1998 GMT ]--
From: Arthur Curry Sleeps With The Fishes (kent)
Subject: Manic Rant part 2.
An illustrious colleague helpfully informs me that the "This" that the
non-Manics are railing against is Overseas Oppressive Regimes.
Well, they hid it well. A video which gives entirely the wrong impression.
Whiny, high-pitched singing which makes the lyrical content entirely
undiscernable. And a complete lack of obvious affiliation to any group fighting
such regimes. Unless you count the "Great Artists Have No Country" slogan.
Which is quite a statement coming from this gang of career Welshmen. In any
case, I could name any number of artists who were staunch patriots. But I
digress.
So, just in case there's some confusion, here's how you oppose overseas
oppressive regimes, if you're a pop star:
1) Make sure your publicity clearly advertises this fact.
2) Make sure your song is i) about Oppresive Regimes and ii) intelligable.
3) Clearly support an organisation such as Amnesty International, make a fuss
about it in interviews, and maybe even donate some proceeds.
Sting, like him or not, is a past-master of cause-advocacy. His work on the
subject highlighted the plight of victims of Oppressive Regimes in South
America. And though he made himself something of a self parody in the process,
he certainly succeeded in increasing public awareness. And he doesn't look like
a twat while he's staring meaningfully into Cameras.
The Sedate Street Preachers have a lot to learn.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Sep 17 17:54:11 1998 GMT ]--
From: Arthur Curry Sleeps With The Fishes (kent)
Subject: Manic Ranting, addendum...
I feel the need to come up with a nice alternate name for Richy and Co.
So far I have:
Passive Street Preachers
Sedate Street Preachers
Placid Street Preachers
I like the last one best, but I feel I need to do something with Preachers too.
Bleaters?
Placid Street Bleaters? Hmmm. Got a ring to it.
Although I think calling them Richy and Co is quite nice too. Makes them sound
like a crap Children's programme on ITV, of the "Press Gang" type. Or maybe a
spin off series from Happy Days. If so, certainly not of the standard of
"Joannie Loves Chachi."
Any further inspired vilification of these non-entities is most welcome.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Oct 19 15:04:42 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Man Without Panic <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Someone's joining the firm with exactly the same name as me.
This will either piss me off, or be my chance to get an interesting nickname.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Oct 21 10:20:02 1998 GMT ]--
From: The Man Without Panic <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: OK, as regular readers will no doubt have forgotten...
About 9 months ago I reported that my brother and his girlfriend were
expecting.
So,using your skill and judgement, guess what's happened?
The kid is Iwan David Roberts. I was told how heavy, and have forgotten. Blond,
which makes it reasonably likely that it's my brother's.
Have a virtual cigar, y'all.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Oct 27 12:01:54 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Have just viewed Iwan.
At the risk of being lynched by my family...
Uh, yeah, great. Now what? People have been asking me "Isn't he sweet/gorgeous/
whatever?" Nope. He's a small person with no motor skills. Sorry, but there it
is.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Oct 29 01:13:19 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Have just installed Windows 98.
Seems brighter and shinier than 95. Lots of nice animating of menus and so on.
Just got a connection through Virgin Net, which seems nice and swift too.
My current plan is to purchase an AMD K6 chip and another hard drive. This will
hopefully bolster my flagging machine until Intel get round to releasing the
real Pentium IIs in march, rather than these fake plastic ones they've been
fobbing people off with.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Nov 3 16:06:27 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: K6 266s are 67 quid. Bargain.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 5 18:25:47 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Nov. 5th.
Explosions. Question are all these explosions as celebration of:
a) The saving of King James I from an assassination plot,
b) A paganistic connection with fire
or
c) The fact you can buy explosives, for a limited time.
C, I would think.
I wonder how much you'd see fireworks in action if you could buy them all year?
Would you see a drastic increase in their usage on Nov 5th? I wouldn't have
thought so.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 5 19:30:30 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: I also note...
The Gunpowder Plotters seem to have picked the night of the year most likely to
be pissed down upon to make their attempt.
Thus ensuring generations of kids standing in the rian, sparklers fizzling out,
pacamacs clinging to their skins, watching fireworks fail to go off, and being
told they can't go and try and light it again.
Ho ho ho.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 5 19:48:39 1998 GMT ]--
From: Fortune favours the lucky. <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Microsoft CD Keys.
Why do Microsoft CD Keys exist? To bring those fortunate enough not to know up
to speed, a CD Key is a number something like 0402-7777777 (That works for MS
Office, BTW) which is printed on your CD case when you buy a microsoft product.
When you install the CD, you have to type that number in when asked.
Why? Dunno.
To prove you own the software? You've got the CD haven't you? What more proof
do they need?
To stop piracy? Anyone with enough nous to bootleg CDs surely has enough common
sense to scribble down an 11 digit number on the front with a permenant marker.
So why? My question is down to the fact that I recently tried to legitimately
install MS Office on my office computer, and couldn't find the Jewel Case it
came in. In the end I had to go wandering around the net in search of one.
Which is a bit silly, really since I had a license, albeit not on my desk at
the time.
Bootleggers, of course have the common decency to crack off this piece of
timewastery, so anyone with a pirate copy probably never needs the key. Which
pretty much suggests that all these Serialz sites exist purely for the
convenience of frustrated Microsoft customers.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Nov 6 10:28:33 1998 GMT ]--
From: Bring me the head of Benito Gui <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Placid Street Bleaters....
Obs 1: Was listening to their latest single on the radio this morning. And
there's that reverbing guitar chord again. Did he get that reverb box for his
birthday or something?
Obs 2: "If uou Tolerate..." - wouldn't that song be great done by Chas and
Dave? "Aaaaand if you tolerate this <washboard clatter> yow children will be
next <merry piano tinkle>"
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Nov 6 15:51:56 1998 GMT ]--
From: Bring me the head of Benito Gui <RRPT> (kent)
Subject: Bob Kane died last night.
For those not in the know, he created Batman. He was 83 when he died,
apparently.
It set me to wondering - ho w long before there's no-one who was born before
Batman was created?
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Nov 9 10:14:17 1998 GMT ]--
From: I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? (kent)
Subject: Fantastic concept revealed to me in an Email.
A bit late now, but...
When John Glenn gets back, everyone wear gorilla suits.
Also, bury the statue of liberty in sand.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Nov 9 20:23:59 1998 GMT ]--
From: I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? (kent)
Subject: Special Meals in Take-aways.
Tonight, I got myself a Special Curry with fried rice. Yes thanks, it was
lovely.
So, you ask, why do I detect an incoming rant?
Because, I want to know what was so damned special about it. Specifically, why
it cost more than it's closest rival in the curry menu.
A Special Curry (since I'm sure my readership contains at least one veggie)
contains:
Sundry veg, mostly onion.
Chicken
Beef
Char-sui
Prawn (Two, perhaps three of the "king" variety)
Maybe some pork.
Curry sauce.
Nice indeed.
However, you don't get any more than you would in a curry of any one of these
single ingredients.
Now, most of them cost your basic 3.50, including boiled rice. King Prawn,
evidently, has some form of Royal Appointment, and thus merits a cost of 3.60.
"Special" curry, however, costs 3.70. Why? Surely it's cheaper to produce than
a 100% King Prawn one, ingredients-wise. Difficulty wise, it can't be harder
than frying a like amount of a single ingredient. Most odd.
Givem it's "King" element, I could quite see a justification of a slightly
increased price tag, occupying the middle ground between King Prawn, and your
peasant varieties. Say 3.55. More than happy to pay that. But that 3.70 means
that with the promotion of the rice to a fried state, it pushes the whole meal
over 4 quid. Which has to be some form of watershed.
I can see the justification for Special Fried Rice, mind. Not only do you get
the abovementioned mix of meats, but the crowning glory of a fried egg. Special
indeed, I think you'll agree. But Special Curry glories in no such innovations,
and thus I find it hard to justify it's "Special" status. Surely it is a mere
"Mixed Meat" curry, and should be afforded no additional respect.
Although, as I previously stated, it still remains *very* nice.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Nov 15 20:23:19 1998 GMT ]--
From: I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? (kent)
Subject: Something I saw the other day that creeped the hell out of me.
Interactive Barney the Dinosaur, by Microsoft.
Have ever two more satanic forces ever combined? Not since Hitler and Stalin
signed a non-aggression pact can there have been an accord between two so
throughly morally crippled entities.
Fight it. Fight it now. Fund research into anti-barney weaponry. Seek new ways
to publically cripple Microsoft.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Nov 16 17:35:41 1998 GMT ]--
From: I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? (kent)
Subject: The Hooded Claw.
Did not wear a hood. A hat, yes. A natty green domino mask, yes. A Hood? No.
Obviously, the Hatted Claw is a crap name, so you can see his reasons. But some
form of hood was clearly necessary.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Nov 16 19:46:22 1998 GMT ]--
From: I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? (kent)
Subject: It has been pointed out to me...
That not only was the Hooded Claw not hooded, neither was he, or did he possess
a claw.
Since The Green Hatted And Dominoed Non-Claw isn't very catchy, I call upon you
all to suggest a new, catchy, yet accurate name for The Hooded Claw.
Best answer to be lauded on high.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Nov 17 22:36:47 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Ahahaha!
17 Hours additional presence in the office this week.
34 additional hours pay.
About 4 hours additional work.
13 Hours additional spodding.
Nothing less than criminal I tell you...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 19 21:05:41 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Hanna Barbera
Why is it that if you have a group of Teen investigators, you always get one
who's scared shitless all the time?
Shaggy and Scoob in Scooby do. The brunette in Captain Caveman - why is it that
there's always someone who's scared all the time? Why do they hang around with
people who constantly put them in dangerous situations?
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Dec 1 11:56:55 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Ahooohahaha
Just bought myself kit sufficient to upgrade my PC to 350MHz.
Am having a 32" Widescreen TV delivered.
I think I'll also get a Video Card with TV output, so I can play Quake II in
Widescreen.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Dec 2 09:33:57 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Recieved this in my email, and find it favourable.
> > We are going to try to influence the result of the voting for BBC Sports
> > Personality of the year. It has been decided that David Beckham would
> > provide most embarrassment to the organisers if winning, so could you
> all
> > e-mail your vote to the following address:
> > [email protected]
> > More importantly, can you forward this mail to all your mates &
> > acquaintances asap in the hope that they will participate.
> > Your co-operation in this matter is greatly appreciated.
So, I'm doing it. I'd ask my readership to do likewise, and to copy the above
bit, and place it in their diaries, and email it to everyone they know.
You know it makes sense.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Dec 2 23:16:52 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: New tracks I heard.
"Walk Like A Panther" by All Seeing I. Heard it on the R1 Breakfast show, and
It's *very* cool. Highly recommended to all you hipsters out there.
Lyrics by Jarvis Cocker, apparently, vocals by Tony Christie, lounge singer
extraordinaire.
Nice to hear Jarvis's lyrics (which are, in the main, excellent) sung by
someone who doesn't sound so bleeding weedy. Which leads me to thinking....
Whatever happened to songwriters who write for other people? It wasn't common
for a popular band to write their own stuff before the 60's, so why the
insistence now? We're even asked to believe Boyzone write their own stuff.
Personally, I'd be happy if Jarvis wrote songs for lots of other people, and I
never had to hear him sing again.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Dec 7 15:15:26 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Money.
Or lack thereof. I seem to consistantly earn aboyt 2000 quid too little. No
matter what I manage to earn, I always need that extra hundred to get me though
the month.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Dec 9 12:04:10 1998 GMT ]--
From: I hate Illinois Nazis (kent)
Subject: Got shot in the shoulder yesterday.
I was in the centre of Manchester, and walked in on a face off between two
rival gangs. The whole thing escalated into a firefight. I was pinned down, and
that's when I got hit.
I knew it was him or me, so I picked up a gun from some guy who'd already been
shot, and shot my way out. I think I may have got someone. After that, I got
picked up by the police, and was taken to hospital. They released me after
questioning - they believed me when I said I was an innocent bystander. Pretty
intense.
None of that is actually true, of course, but I thought the diary had become
rather dull, so I thought I'd liven it up.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Dec 13 21:45:05 1998 GMT ]--
From: I could care less but not without effort (kent)
Subject: The Mask of Zorro.
Go see this film. It is marvellous.
Once again, someone has made a better Batman film than any of the idiots who
have tried intentionally.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Dec 17 01:40:38 1998 GMT ]--
From: I could care less but not without effort (kent)
Subject: Staff Night Out.
Fiasco. Initially good, meal at a tapas bar. Nice. And then, the "Love Bus." It
seems that someone thought that it may be a good idea to get a buss, rip out
the seating, put in a stereo, and call it a mobile dance floor. This
contraption is then driven around Manchester to a variety of nightspots,
picking you up and dropping you off.
If ever I go to hell, and some's looking for the perfect way to maximise my
suffering, they could do a lot worse than use "The Love Bus" as a starting
point.
I effectively spent 3 hours being ferried to overpriced, underpopulated pubs to
the incessant thump of dance music. And then dropped off at a club called
Royales (or something) which had a seventies night. It was totally overcrowded
(which was at least a change) and resembled a kicked over termite mound without
the charm. I left just in time to miss the last tram, thus costing myself 8
quid taxi fare.
Staff Nights Out. Just Say No.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Dec 17 01:47:06 1998 GMT ]--
From: I could care less but not without effort (kent)
Subject: Which leads me to...
Seventies Nights. What the hell is that about? It was bad then, when the afros
were real. Now we've just got saddos in wigs.
And also. Most of my favorite music hails from the seventies. Some fine albums
were produced in the Seventies. Queen before they became too arch and
self-parodying. Pink Floyd's heyday. The Stones.
So why the f*ck do we get assailed by Disco, Abba, and a bunch of tracks nobody
had ever even heard of before Quentin Tarantino put them in a soundtrack?
Kitsch is all very well to look at occasionally, to raise a smile, but a whole
evening? If we absolutely must raid the soundtrack albums, can't we at least
have Lust for Life and Perfect Day now and again?
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Jan 2 20:39:05 1999 GMT ]--
From: I could care less but not without effort (kent)
Subject: Bah. And, furthermore, Humbug.
I have just been the recipient of the most disappointing batch of pressies
ever.
From my mother - a chair for my desk (comfyish, but had I bought one myself, as
I was planning to do anyway, I'd have pushed the boat out and gone for a
bighugereclineing chair. Now, if I upgrade my chair, I look like I'm
ungrateful. New chair, on reflection, is marginally less comfortable than Old
chair. Grrr.
Brother topped it by buying me a Clock. Yes, a clock.
Clock masquerades as some kind of navigational aid, in that it has compass
directions on the rim (no compass functionality) and a Thermometer/Barometer
pair of dials.
Given that they are both bimetallic strips, I can only assume that the
thermometer is only accurate if the pressure is constant, and the barometer is
only accurate if the temperature is constant. Aha.
According to the manual, the movement is accurate to 30 seconds within one
month ( making it the least accurate timepiece I own) and the thermometer is
accurate to +/- 3 degrees C. Which is a substantiallyly larger range than the
range of temperatures exhibited in my flat.
In all, I rather regret splashing out 40 quid for a Playstation game for him.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jan 5 19:51:10 1999 GMT ]--
From: I could care less but not without effort (kent)
Subject: Also...
My attempt to splash out on a pressie for myself fell on it's face. I decided
to splash out on a monstrously powerful 3d card (as I did exactly 12 months
ago, I note. Must be something in the air.
Card is brilliant, very powerful, and has a TV Output, so I can play games on
my widescreen telly.
One problem. Damned thing crashes all the time. I'm now thinking about a
replavcement, but am stuck as to what a good replacement might be.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jan 10 13:16:43 1999 GMT ]--
From: We _are_ out there... (kent)
Subject: Wheeeoooooo!
New desks, with partitions have arrived. Akthough they are supposed to be v.
small, that have turned out to be 5ft or more. Meaning that my very short boss
will not be able to see over them. In fact, I believe I'm one of three people
in the company who can see over them. Which means that the fabled holy grail of
spodding without paranoidly looking over my shoulder is over.
Reading the "Dilbert" comic strip, one often reads criticisms of cubicles. I
love my cubicle. I think it's the nicest place I've ever worked...
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jan 12 09:41:00 1999 GMT ]--
From: Fabric Softner Is For The Weak (kent)
Subject: Zen and the Art of Washing Machine Maintainence.
Interesting Sunday. Needed to wash clothes. Having only been in my flat 4
months, I have not yet managed to get my washing machine plumbed in. So, I
tottered off down to the laudry down the road. Only to find that they had
closed down just before Christmas.
I found myself faced with the following options:
1) Find another Laundry
2) Find someone willing to let me use their washing machine.
3) Get a plumber in on an emergency basis.
4) Jury rig my washing machine.
Since 1 and 2 entail effort and travel, and 3 involves money, I went for 4. You
will note that there is a phantom option 5 - Handwash, which I didn't think of
at the time.
So, for the interested, here's how you connect a washing machine using only
commonly found household objects...
You will need:
One bathtap shower adapter.
One Absolut Vodka minature.
One roll of masking tape.
One bootlace (although any string is fine.)
One can opener.
Connect washing machine cold water hose to machine. Remove showerhead from
shower adapter. Wrap masking tape around end of shower adapter. Screw other end
of cold water hose to taped end of shower adapter (tape allows screw thread to
bite.) Connect one tap connector of shower adapter to cold water tap. Block
other connector with Absolut Vodka minature.
Now, water pressure will force shower adapter off the tap, so some sort of
clamp is required. Take can opener, and squeeze handles around the shower
adapter tap connector, clamping it on. Lash can opener shut using bootlace.
Voila. One connected washing machine.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jan 12 09:42:51 1999 GMT ]--
From: Fabric Softner Is For The Weak (kent)
Subject: I have now of course bought an adapter from B&Q which does the job.
But with far less style.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Jan 22 17:21:56 1999 GMT ]--
From: Fabric Softner Is For The Weak (kent)
Subject: More plumbing.
Bath shower adapter! Fixes onto the bath taps permenantly, and has a
bath/shower selector switch. And doesn't spring off the taps at the slightest
provokation. I'd forgotten what a nice shower was like.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Feb 1 10:14:24 1999 GMT ]--
From: Close to death - from the other side. (kent)
Subject: Much as this is turning into a new aquisitions record...
New leather jacket! Eschewing my previous choices - long black coats, and biker
leathers, I have now gone for a brown one, the kind that's hip length, single
breasted, with lapels.
It's basically, a seventies cop shop jacket. Although Robert De Niro is
occasionally seen sporting one in films like "Ronin." It's also got a slightly
flamboyant feel to it, and has been dubbed "The Burt Reynolds Jacket." That
being the case, I'll be buying some gold rimmed sunglasses, some tooth polish,
and shaving the bottom half of this goatee. I'll also be auditioning a few
personal funky theme tunes to follow me wherever I go.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Feb 4 14:24:45 1999 GMT ]--
From: You Too Could Have A Body Like Mine... (kent)
Subject: It's a bit hot today...
Given my new desk's placement, I'm feeling a bit like a bug under a magnifying
glass.
Worrying for early february.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Feb 9 21:52:54 1999 GMT ]--
From: Who Am I? I'm The Man Of Steel, Baby! (kent)
Subject: Good day today.
Achievements:
1) Nearly baited my boss into giving me an excuse to hit him, then made him
apologise.
2) Rewrote my contract to suit myself.
3) Got a 2400 quid raise.
4) Had a thoroughly nice time on mono.
5) Managed to get an estimate of timescales so wildly inaccurate that I've
already done the work I'm scheduled to do tomorrow.
And it's only Tuesday.
Beat that Albert Einstein.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Feb 10 09:30:21 1999 GMT ]--
From: Who Am I? I'm The Man Of Steel, Baby! (kent)
Subject: Dreams.
Why are my dreams so bloody useless? I get absolutely no wish fulfilment out of
my dreams.
Last night, I could really have done with a nicely erotic dream about certain
things I was discussing with certain people yesterday. Would have set me up for
the day.
What did I get? Something odd about an unethical scientific research company
doing a corporate takeover of an under-10s sunday football team. Really. I
swear.
I've also heard that dreams are the unconscious mind putting the day's events
in order. Well, none of that happened yesterday. I'm at a total loss to explain
it.
I understand that with training, you can learn to direct your dreams. I think
I'll go in for that, if only to get rid of the shoddy quality of dreams I get.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Feb 18 11:04:08 1999 GMT ]--
From: Master of Adventure! (kent)
Subject: Brit Awards...
Or, another disguised Manic Street Bleaters rant.
They win Best Band. Best album? No. Best Single? No. Best Live Act? No.
On what basis are they being judged "Best Band?"
It's also amusing to note that they won best band previously in '97, but not in
'98. Clearly their quality fluctuates.
Actually, looking back on the edit, it's more a comment about the Brits than
anything else. The Bleaters' live set was pretty good, actually. I think
standard guitar rock about lurve is probably their forte. They start mincing
around talking about the Spanish Civil War (for God's sake...) and it all
disappear's up Nicky Wire's backside pretty smartish.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 19 10:14:33 1999 GMT ]--
From: Master of Adventure! (kent)
Subject: Today's Word...
Asshole management behaviour. On his whiteboard my line manager has written:
TODAY'S WORD:
PROFFESIONALISM
In response, the development team have altered this to:
TODAY'S WORD:
WOODEN
Today's word has also been:
Plant
Tangerine
Melon
Marsupial
Any one think of any good words which insult the puffed up management type,
without being overtly offensive?
TODAY'S WORD:
WANKER
Has been considered, but rejected on grounds of excess.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 19 10:16:16 1999 GMT ]--
From: Master of Adventure! (kent)
Subject: Fast Breaking news...
Today's word has just become Liposuction.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 26 10:46:03 1999 GMT ]--
From: Be Just, and Fear Not (kent)
Subject: Lie of the Day is especially spectacular today:
"Since reading that the mass of an object becomes infinite as it reaches the
speed of light, researchers working for McDonalds have so far spent over
$200,000,000,000 on a Super Conducting Cow Collider."
Dave's Web of Lies http://www.cs.man.ac.uk/~hancockd/ (c)1999
Marvellous.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 26 11:42:29 1999 GMT ]--
From: Be Just, and Fear Not (kent)
Subject: Systems installed on Friday will screw up, and I will be called out
over the weekend.
The Emperor Has Forseen It.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 26 17:14:58 1999 GMT ]--
From: Be Just, and Fear Not (kent)
Subject: So bad it's good.
Looks like everything's *so* dead, no maintainence calls are likely over the
weekend. I Win Again.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Feb 27 10:53:35 1999 GMT ]--
From: Be Just, and Fear Not (kent)
Subject: Or so I thought.
Optimum situation: Wake up Saturday morning (or preferably afternoon) cuddled
up to the woman I love.
Actual situation: Woken up Saturday morning, alone, by the sound of the support
mobile. Didn't actually have to do anything, but people still felt the need to
wake me.
And this coffee has steralised milk in it. Foulness beyond anything UHT can
throw at you. I'm going for a paper and some real milk.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Feb 28 22:02:26 1999 GMT ]--
From: Be Just, and Fear Not (kent)
Subject: Another bloody call. Up until 3 sorting it.
I will be killing someone early tomorrow morning.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 3 10:05:05 1999 GMT ]--
From: Guru of Mean Spirited Hijinks (kent)
Subject: Am I the only one who likes the new Honking Red Nose?
I've heard nothing but criticism of it.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 13 16:03:06 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Passive Street Bleaters again.
Heard a neat theory:
Pre-disappearence of Richey: Silly Clobber, bags of communist paraphenalia.
Post-disappearence of Richey: Nice shirts, comfy jeans, loafers.
Clearly, Nicky and Jimmy got him pissed one night, rolled him up in a carpet,
and lobbed him off a bridge, so pissed off were they at being wheedled into
wearing naff "Rik-off-of-The-Young-Ones" clothing.
People may say this is an extreme theory. But I challenge them to examine a
certain Richey-era band shot, in which Jimmy is wearing an absurd beret with a
CCCP logo pinned to it. You can see murder in his eyes.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 13 16:04:53 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Good email recieved today:
This is, apparently an e email sent by a secretary to the entire staffat JMU.
Sopt the Freudian slip.
> This is hilarious .... It comes from an all staff E-mail sent
> by one of our secretaries. Not a JMU secretary unfortunatly
>
> PLEASE PLEASE please please please-I am begging here
> keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had
> two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples
> and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be
> really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the
> document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
> Thanks
> for your help.
>
> JB
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 27 08:54:59 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: The Death of Jan Dildo.
Sorry, Jill Dando.
On the radio this morning, there was some speculation that it may have been the
work of some disgruntled target of Crimewatch UK's scrutiny. I feel this
overlooks a far more likely reason.
I believe the deed was done or paid for by someone who was sick of watching ths
smug cow jet off to the world's most exclusive resorts, on the license payer's
money, just to have her be smug and condescending about the place. I can quite
see how watching Jan Dildo making snide comments about how touristy ski resorts
in the French Alps have become might drive one to murder.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 27 13:42:03 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Jill Dando conspiricy theory
Execution style assassinations of minor celebs aren't normal. I suspect
something more sinister.
We note, for instance, that she's a frequent traveller.
We also notice that the arty types of the BBC like a bit of the old nose candy.
It is thus my contention that Jill Dando may well have been importing cocaine
hidden in the BBC outside broadcast equipment.
Now, this style of killing is more a gangland thing. Which leads me to believe
there's a Crack connection here.
Yes, folks. Jill Dando was quite possibly pushing crack to the cast of Grange
Hill.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 27 20:22:12 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Jill Bloody Dando
Ok. We get it, BBC. she's dead. The coverage on the news can be neatly summed
up by the following.
Martyn Lewis: And we'll be cutting back to the investigation at the end of the
news.
<LATER>
ML: And back to the Jill Dando murder enquiry. Any news at that end?
On the spot reporter: Errrrr... No Martyn.
Couldn't have put it better myself. No bloody news. She's well cold now,
there's no new developments. I don't think there's much percentage in devoting
half the evening news to a story that you have no developments on.
It seems that to make the news, all you've got to do is know the news team. You
can nailbomb a street, you'll get 10 minutes, tops. You can bomb a civilian
installation in Kosovo, and you get mentioned 3rd, 3 minutes. You can even
crash your bloody Apache helicopter while one a training mission, you'll barely
get a mention.
Slep with Martyn Lewis, and your death is momentous, it seems.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Apr 28 09:23:40 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Pizza Hut.
Their new innovation: The Italian Pizza.
Nice one guys. However did you come up with that one?
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Apr 28 11:23:22 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Jan Dildo - War Victim?
I've heard that the killing of Jill Dando may have been a Serbian response to
the bombing of their TV station. Apparently Milo meant what he said with his
"Today Serbian TV, Tomorrow BBC1"
Right. What we need to do is get this list into the hands of Milo:
TOP 10 MOST CHERISHED UK TV PERSONALITIES
1. Dale Winton
2. Jim Davidson
3. Anne Diamond
4. Jonathon Ross
5. Caroline Ahern
6. Chris Moyles (OK, he's radio. I want him dead anyway)
7. Anne Robinson
8. Michael Barrymore
9. Anthea Turner
10. Jilly Goolden
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 29 08:49:57 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: If a Taxi Driver gets lost, why do we have to pay?
Got a taxi from a mate's house last night. 6.20. Reasonable, he lives a way
away.
Last time I used the same firm it was 10.60. Why? Fool got lost, and took a
very long way around. So why do I have to pay 4.40 for his incompetence?
<Grumble>
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Apr 30 08:55:16 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Ben and Jerry's
Rubbish.
Last night, got a tub from my local garage. Phish Food, which is chocolate ice
cream with chunks of chocolate, marshmallow and caramel.
Boring. I could hardly be bothered to finish it. The Choccy Ice Cream was of a
highly inferior type, and the chunks were crap too. This kind of tawdry rubbish
might go down well in the states, but I can't see why it sells over here.
Now, your sainsbury's indulgence range - a quid less, is in fact 10% larger,
and every flavour they do is interesting enough to finish the whole tub.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon May 3 12:10:54 1999 GMT ]--
From: Old Angel Eyes Is Back... (kent)
Subject: Hehehehe!
Am currently spodding in my living room, in a reclining chair, with mono up on
a 32" widescreen telly.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue May 25 19:30:39 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: I Hate, No. 243
I Hate "Mad About You."
I'm watching it now on Paramount, though god alone knows why.
This is the plot. During a Thanksgiving episode, the dog eats the turkey. I'll
extrapolate this to Christmas, so I can identify properly.
If my dog ate the turkey at christmas, we'd give her a hard time. The dog would
look apologetic. We'd have a laugh about it. We'd get something else out of the
freezer. It would be an anecdote very soon. We'd all laugh.
Apparently, this wouldn't happen in America. Apparently, in America, this
situation is so calamitous, that you are forced to scurry around attempting to
locate another turkey, all the time inventing increasingly ludicrous excuses
for your family.
Maybe it's a Thanksgiving thing.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed May 26 22:38:42 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: I hate, no. 244
I hate Mancs. Which mancs? The mancs driving past my window, constantly beeping
their horns. As they are doing now. While I'm trying to get some sleep.
Fine, win the triple. Celebrate. Why the hell can't you go to a pub?
---------------------------------------------[ Thu May 27 11:05:37 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: Man U.
Apparently, they'll be driving past my house tonight, on a victory celebration
tour of Manchester. Sniper rifles at the ready...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu May 27 15:41:20 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: I hate Mancs even more now.
They're already lining the parade route. 1 and a half hours to go.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri May 28 13:59:07 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: The European cup passed right by my living room window yesterday.
Being waved by some oiks or other calling themselves Manchester United. I
ignored them. They went away.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jun 3 10:01:09 1999 GMT ]--
From: Mono's Knifey-Spoony Champion (kent)
Subject: Shock as Microsoft call in Solitaire debts.
In a shock move today, Microsoft announced that all debts incurred on
Microsoft's "Solitaire" program, which ships with all versions of Windows, are
now payable in full. Unknown to many users, the End User License Agreement
contains a clause which states that the "Vegas" mode of Solitaire represents
real money, and that all wins and losses may be claimed by either party at any
time.
A Spokesman for Microsoft said "This is a move that we've had to take after the
poor performance of Windows 98. We needed new streams of revenue to satisfy our
shareholders' expectations, and this seemed a logical choice. Initially, we'll
be going after large companies with a lot of secretarial staff, but we'll get
round to all users eventually."
Bill Gates had this to add: "You all clicked the "I Agree" button, so there's
no point whining now. Maybe you should have read the agreement. Duh!"
When asked for his comments, Linus Torvaalds had this to say: "I tried to warn
you all, but would you listen? Nooooooo."
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jun 7 08:37:09 1999 GMT ]--
From: Everybody's Free (To Wear Chainmail) (kent)
Subject: Things not to do:
Never ever try and put on a suit of chainmail that's too small for you. I tried
this last night.
Putting it on was no problem, actually. A bit of a squeeze to get my head
through the neck, a bit tight under the arms, but otherwise fine.
However, taking it off was another matter. Started off well enough. The advice
I recieved was to bend forwards and let it slide off. Which I did.
If you recall, I said I had to squeeze my head through the neck hole. This
meant that it wasn't going to "slide off"
I got 6 stone of chainmail hitting me in the chin like an uppercut, followed by
it hanging off my neck, trying to rip my head off.
Like I say. Don't.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Jun 9 15:08:18 1999 GMT ]--
From: Everybody's Free (To Wear Chainmail) (kent)
Subject: Odd thing occured.
Bit fell off my wisdom tooth. Not your usual chip, mind. The whole front of the
tooth.
Not painful, really, but definately alarming. I believe it's because it's been
pushing against my second top left molar. I undersatnd that usually, it's the
preexisting teeth that give way.
The Moral is: Don't mess with my second top left molar. It's rock 'ard.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jun 10 08:37:13 1999 GMT ]--
From: Everybody's Free (To Wear Chainmail) (kent)
Subject: Transatlantic Telephone interviews.
Weird. 3 Phone calls.
First call went OK.
Second call, I couldn't make out half of each word the bloke said, kind of like
this: "Hel-- m- na-- i- Ke--." I think he had dodgy noise suppressing
circuitry in his phone which decided that he was "Noise"
Third Call, I had an echo, which repeated my words back to me on a 2 second
delay. I kept listening to myself. Most distracting.
Interview seemed to go ok, other than that though.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Jun 12 23:29:36 1999 GMT ]--
From: Everybody's Free (To Wear Chainmail) (kent)
Subject: I hate bars, clubs and pubs.
Because they're all the 'kin same. Case in point: this evening I attended a
birthday bash at a bar called the "pitcher and piano" next to the Bridgewater
Hall in Manchester. Given the proximity to the Hall, you might think that there
might be a classical theme to the place.
No way. One long drumbeat loop, the only variation being the gradual rise in
volume. There may have been other elements to the music, but you couldn't hear
them. By 11, you were at the stage where to hear someone, you had to stand so
close that their hot, beer laden breath can be felt on your face.
I want a bar, where I can sit back in a comfortable chair, and engage in a
civilised conversation, without having to shout. And I want to do it drinking
old fashioned cocktails, that you read about in Raymond Chandler novels.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jun 13 21:28:06 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: I blame satellite television.
It occured to me that the reason why I'm putting on weight is satellite
television.
BBC: No adverts. No opportunities for wandering to the kitchen for snack
materials.
ITV/C4: Adverts every quarter of an hour, 20 minutes. Snackage occurs, but a
manageable level.
Satellite though, adverts. Always adverts. I must see double the number of
adverts that I ever saw before. Even adverts I like initially soon begin to
wear away my soul. So I take refuge in the kitchen. I get through more toast
that way...
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jun 13 21:32:47 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: I've seen this episode of Seinfeld before as well.
I suspect that it'll get tiresome, and it'll be kitchen time.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jun 14 10:25:19 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: Pokemon.
Right. Daft "craze" cartoon, based on daft "craze" gameboy game.
Basic concept; Capturing weird creatures with a variety of special powers, then
having them face off in a dojo-style competition.
How is this any different to cock-fighting, badger-baiting and dog-fights? In
the cartoon, each of these fights ends in one of the creatures getting bruised,
battered and hurt.
And we'll say nothing of the small, nay tiny containers the creatures are kept
in while not in "use".
Pokemon duelling is inhumane, and I urge all readers to boycott those who
support this foul practice.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jun 20 20:24:25 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: Grrrrr. Railtrack.
I arrived at Manchester Piccadilly just now to catch the 8.15 to Euston.
The, as it happens, completely mythical 8.15 to Euston.
This means that I'll be catching a sparrowfart train tomorrow, and paying 90
quid more for the privilige.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jul 1 21:31:17 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: Widescreen Telly.
A pretty poor go, really. Looking at the current thing on BBC1, I see that
rather than getting more picture, what we actually have is a picture sawwed off
at the top and bottom.
Now, if like me, you have a Widescreen telly, you can zoom in on it, and enjoy
"It's only TV, but I like it" in full low res glory. But let's face it, who
wants to watch Jonathon Ross pixilate?
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 5 14:48:15 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: Sainsbury's now rent out videos.
2.75 for a two night rental of a latest title. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Blade tonight. Cube tomorrow night.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 5 15:51:39 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: Actually, I'm out tonight.
Blade tomorrow night, Cube tomorrow night, then.
Hmmm. A question to the house... If I only have time to watch one, which should
I watch?
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 5 16:19:47 1999 GMT ]--
From: If this is Art, Art is Weird and Dirty (kent)
Subject: I have weighed the advice I have recieved, and will watch Blade.
Mindless Violence once more triumphs over Well Thought Out Violence.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jul 11 12:21:12 1999 GMT ]--
From: TodayIsAGoodDayForSomeoneElseToDie (kent)
Subject: The Perils of Penelope Pitstop.
Something bothers me here. She's an heiress. I understand that. The Hooded Claw
is really her guardian, so we assume that if she snuffs it before she comes of
age, he inherits. Fine. But what have the Anthill Mob got to do with this
arrangement? I understand that they are a cross between Chicago gangsters and
the seven dwarves. So why do they have an overpowering interest in the kid's
wellbeing? Why aren't they off cornering the gold racket, or rubbing out the
woman who goes around poisoning people with apples?
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 12 11:22:21 1999 GMT ]--
From: TodayIsAGoodDayForSomeoneElseToDie (kent)
Subject: Plus, if they really are mobsters, aren't they being a little soft?
Someone tries to kill one of yours, you kill two of his. If he doesn't get the
message, you ice him. And I hardly think The Hooded Claw would pose significant
threat to hardened, armed criminals.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jul 13 00:20:20 1999 GMT ]--
From: TodayIsAGoodDayForSomeoneElseToDie (kent)
Subject: Am I too old?
AFter a night's drinking, I rounded it off with a kebab. And what a disgusting
experience it was.
I remember when I would think nothing of chugging down lamb flavoured spiced
fat. Couldn't face it.
Or maybe it was a *really* bad kebab.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 19 11:20:43 1999 GMT ]--
From: TodayIsAGoodDayForSomeoneElseToDie (kent)
Subject: Late trains.
I hate late trains. Not, specifically, because they make you late, but because
of the uncertainty they introduce into your life.
If your train is running to time, you can mentally work out how long you'll be
on the train, how far you have to go, etc.
Late trains, however, are a completely random thing. They may speed up to make
up time, they may slow down, following some local service. You just don't know.
You're in this randomly lengthed limbo which you can't escape...
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jul 22 15:22:58 1999 GMT ]--
From: TodayIsAGoodDayForSomeoneElseToDie (kent)
Subject: I love winding up Cable and Wireless.
If you get bored in the afternoon, I heartily recommend phoning them up and
demanding to know why you shouldn't change to Sky Digital and BT.
Theoretically, you don't even have to be a Cable and Wireless customer. Just
phone them, quote a random 10 digit account number, and act pissed off when
they fail to get your name right.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jul 26 15:14:50 1999 GMT ]--
From: Free to wallow in my own crapulence (kent)
Subject: A quote from Shakespeare
'I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more! Macbeth does murder sleep,"'
I think I've found the coffee he did it with. Rocket Fuel from Percol. Take
some inferior tasting, but high caffine content instant coffee. Add guarana.
Badda bing.
The instructions cheerfully advise:
"Add as many teaspoonfuls as you feel you can take per cup (one or two is
normally sufficient)"
It also tells us that it's not recommended for "Those of a nervous disposition,
with high blood pressure, or in serious need of a good night's sleep." I'd go
along with that. I'd also add coffee enthusiasts to that list. But as a "Drink
it mid-afternoon to stop yourself falling asleep at work" drink, it's pretty
good.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Aug 11 10:38:57 1999 GMT ]--
From: Free to wallow in my own crapulence (kent)
Subject: Eclipses.
Best viewed through the surface of a CD. As pouinted out by someone over here,
all those magazines giving away Eclipse viewers, rubbish. Give me a coverdisk
anytime. At last a use for an AOL CD.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Aug 12 13:39:14 1999 GMT ]--
From: Free to wallow in my own crapulence (kent)
Subject: Conspiricy theory.
Just what *are* the sinister morse code messages being passed by the Jerry
Springer Show?
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Aug 20 07:47:25 1999 GMT ]--
From: Why does it always rain on me? (Really) (kent)
Subject: Death of William Shatner's wife.
I reckon Ricardo Montalban did it. And when Bill found her, he did his hammy
"KHAAAAAAAAN!!!!!" shout from Wrath of Khan.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Sep 3 18:49:08 1999 GMT ]--
From: Dijon Ketchup! Mmmmm! (kent)
Subject: Top of the Pops.
Miming is such a good idea. Must be hard for these brainless kids to
concentrtate on looking cute and perky, if they had to sing as well.
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Oct 3 18:13:31 1999 GMT ]--
From: Free the S Club Seven. (kent)
Subject: Stealth Cold...
I got very drunk on Wednesday night. And thus was not entirely amazed to find
myself feeling like death warmed up on Thrusday morning. I did, however become
slightly disturbed that come Friday morning I wasn't feeling 100% better. My
usual hangover recovery was slower than usual, and seemed to stall at about 3pm
on Thursday entirely.
After a weekend's close self observation (no euphemism intended) I have decided
that I was quite possibly coming down with a cold on Wednesday night, and it
hid in my hangover. I feel marginally better now, just in time to go back to
work on Monday. Damn, and furthermore, blast.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Nov 24 21:15:27 1999 GMT ]--
From: Once more into the red, dear friends! (kent)
Subject: Jobless again.
Redundant due to the liquidation of my company. So, it's not my fault. Unless
you take into account the notion that spending <MYSALARY> every year on a guy
whose primary talent was warming chairs might possibly lead to bankruptcy.
I say "feh!" to this notion. Any real company can swallow the costs of a few
chair warmers.
So, off to the agencies to find a company with some cold chairs.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 25 00:18:40 1999 GMT ]--
From: Once more into the red, dear friends! (kent)
Subject: Did the math...
Given that all my stuff gets paid off by insurance policies while I'm on the
dole, and my rent gets paid, and thus I have 200 free to do with as I please
per month, for doing nothing, I see no immediate reason to go and get a job.
Those of you who pay NI contributions will no doubt be frothing apopleptically
at this brazen show of sponging off the state. To you I say: I paid
significantly more than that to the state for the last three years, and I think
I'm as entitled to a state paid holiday as anyone else.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Nov 25 20:44:10 1999 GMT ]--
From: Once more into the red, dear friends! (kent)
Subject: Ok, that was weird.
A Scooby Doo/Batman crossover movie. What I couldn't work out is how the gang
survived. I mean, this isn't Old Man Withers in a scary mask we're talking
about. This is the Joker. He's a psychopathic mass-murderer. I reckon we should
have seen Fred and Daphne killed with deadly laughing gas. That I would pay to
see.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Dec 3 10:35:34 1999 GMT ]--
From: Once more into the red, dear friends! (kent)
Subject: Fab fact displayed on Jenny Jones:
"Women who have breast implants are more likely to be alcoholic have teen
pregnancy and contract sexually transmitted diseases."
Clear case of Americans confusing cause and effect. Should read:
"Cheap trash get implants."
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Dec 15 23:33:41 1999 GMT ]--
From: Hey pretty momma, wanna kill all humans? (kent)
Subject: What I want to do...
Every year, kids send letters to Santa Claus c/o The South Pole. Some of them
must give return addresses. I want to get these addresses, and write back:
"Dear <Name>
This year you will recieve nothing, as you have been bad.
Signed
Santa Claus."
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jan 4 17:57:29 2000 GMT ]--
From: I miss the 20th Century already. (kent)
Subject: Suspicious.
New job in the offing (in that I have in fact accepted it, and am no longer,
technically, a worthless layabout. I'm now a layabout worth slightly more than
the national average.)
So, I do my customary flat-hunt on the web, and turn up a flat roughly 200m
from my place of work. Seems nice, cheapest I've seen.
And this always happens. I always get a place minutes from work, without much
ado. I suspect that an outside force is controlling my destiny. Oh well, if an
outside force is conspiring to ensure that I have a perpetually short commute,
who am I to argue?
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Jan 4 18:14:47 2000 GMT ]--
From: I miss the 20th Century already. (kent)
Subject: Old Job.
Seeing as I still have the flat over the road from my old job, I am in a
position to observe their comings and goings.
They liquidated in November. It seems as if the odd employee is still there,
possibly working for the sister company, whose offices now appear to be the
only ones now occupied. Am slightly miffed that the sister company did not
elect to employ me after the liquidation, but I can't in all honesty fault
their judgement.
With very little to go on, I judge that the sister company is doing it's best
to survive, trying against all odds to service debts that they previously owed
to a nice understanding sister company, and now owe to a vicious rapacious firm
of recievers.
I have gained this knowledge from observation through half closed shutters and
the movements of former colleagues. Which is akin to guessing christmas
presents from shaking and peering through the paper.
As you can see, it's fortunate that I have gainful employment to go to as of
next week.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jan 6 00:47:56 2000 GMT ]--
From: I miss the 20th Century already. (kent)
Subject: Got the flat.
Is it just me, or is 500pcm quid excessive for what is basically half a small
semi? I used to get a whole terraced house for 300 in Levenshulme. Levenshulme,
on the other hand, was a rat infested hellhole. Walton-on-Thames is
comparatively rat free, even if it is a one horse town.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Jan 6 22:58:51 2000 GMT ]--
From: I miss the 20th Century already. (kent)
Subject: Surprise has been expressed that Walton-on-Thames has a horse.
As my father used to say "It's a one horse town, and the horse died."
It has one interesting feature. It has a shopping centre, known, inventively,
as "The Centre". Only it's deserted. All the shops are closed down, boarded up,
and have long since disappeared. Prior to exploring Walton on Thames, I had no
idea that tumbleweeds grew in Surrey.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Jan 7 00:05:21 2000 GMT ]--
From: I miss the 20th Century already. (kent)
Subject: Woohoo!
Dukes of Hazard on TNT!
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Jan 24 10:03:11 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: I worked out last night who my rolemodel is.
Dr. Peter Venkman, the character played by Bill Murray in Ghostbusters. My
entire life is modeled on that character. Basically, bluffing knowledge of a
technical subject, and getting by by wiseass remarks.
The more I watched Ghostbusters last night, the more I realised how much of a
profound effect that character had on me as a child. The whole notion that you
could get away with, and make a career out of backsliding. Which I have done.
But for Ghostbusters, I would be a very different person today...
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Jan 30 22:51:16 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: This amuses me.
http://www.tvgohome.com/
It may amuse you.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Feb 3 23:24:06 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: I like Visual Basic.
It's a theraputic alternative to a programming language.
In point of fact, this very edit is being written using a virtual keyboard app
I knocked up today instead of doing real work. I can now edit, sitting in front
of my tv, using only a mouse. Handy, huh?
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 4 19:54:53 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: "I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs" sings Michael Stipe.
Is this some kind of euphemism? After all, he's a well known "uphill gardener",
is this the same thing as an "uphill elephant pusher?
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Feb 6 15:25:37 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: A suggested explaination of the above is that it's like "uphill
gardening," only with constipation involved. Right.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Feb 7 20:51:15 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: Groovy.
I'm currently listening to The James Taylor Quartet's "Funky People" remix of
the theme to Starsky and Hutch. Which is miles better than what you're
listening to. I promise you.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Feb 14 15:36:25 2000 GMT ]--
From: The guy on the left in The Mavericks (kent)
Subject: Gray Hair.
Singular.
I found a gray hair yesterday. Was tampted to pluck it out, and maintain the
illusion of youth, but resisted.
I believe I found a gray hair a few years ago, so it might be the same one
again.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Feb 25 19:44:12 2000 GMT ]--
From: NEVER have an escape route (kent)
Subject: Walton and Weybridge Guardian.
What a local paper. Headline this week:
ARSONISTS ON THE RAMPAGE
The story: Last week, some kid ran amok, setting alight a bonfire, 3 wheelie
bins and a postbox. This is crime?
Not just arson though. Drugs too. Apparently an Esher teenager is on trial for
supplying cannabis to another teenager *twice*. And performing a common assault
on him. (Common Assault: Like a real assault, but without causing any damage.)
Not hairy enough for you? There's more. Apparently two mountain bikes were
stolen from a locked shed. And someone saw their caravan being towed by someone
else while out driving.
Clearly crime is rife, and the police are powerless (the community beat officer
for Walton and Weybridge is called Spike Milligan, no less.) Thus, I see no
option but to don a mask, and become a force for justice in this godforsaken
burg. I must take on an aspect to strike fear into their hearts. Criminals are
a superstitious, cowardly lot...
I will be... A BAT!
---------------------------------------------[ Sun Feb 27 15:52:35 2000 GMT ]--
From: NEVER have an escape route (kent)
Subject: Yesterday... All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away...
...And Now It seems They're Still Far Away. Jolly Good.
Yesterday, actually, I went to have a look at Camden. During my previous
sojourn in the South, I never bothered to take a look at any of it, a state of
affairs I decided to remedy.
I like Camden. It's sort of Movie London. It has all those nice Georgian
terraces, interesting market type places and all of that sort of thing. On the
basis of 4 hours of observation, I decided I like Camden, and would like to
live there someday.
I also got myself a new soundcard and speaker for this machine, which is nice,
since music now sounds like music, rather than an enraged bee in a tin bucket.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Feb 29 17:46:26 2000 GMT ]--
From: NEVER have an escape route (kent)
Subject: Sitting by an open, barred window, listening to birds singing.
I feel like the Birdman of Alcatraz. Only I'm not Burt Lancaster, obviously.
I'd like to be Burt Lancaster. Or Kirk Douglas. Or even Charlton Heston, come
to that.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Mar 3 02:38:28 2000 GMT ]--
From: NEVER have an escape route (kent)
Subject: This weekend, Liverpool.
Objectives:
See Family.
See Friends.
Buy Comics
Buy Boots
And they say i don't have goals.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Mar 6 16:22:00 2000 GMT ]--
From: PokeGon Pest Control:"We Catch 'Em All" (kent)
Subject: Didn't buy boots.
I can't follow even the simplest agendas. Got shirts though. And new
boxers, which I'm sure you all wanted to know.
Made up for this oversight by buyng more comics than is strictly necessary.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 8 16:41:50 2000 GMT ]--
From: Standing On The Shoulders Of Beatles (kent)
Subject: Our Friends From The North.
You invite someone to stay, to avoid having to visit yourself, and what
happens? They turn up, that's what happens. Thus ensuring I have to do a return
visit. I had other offers this weekend, too, for the first time in many moons.
Oh well, they're my friends, and I like them. So the invasion of my personal
space can be tolerated.
I suppose.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 15 01:57:34 2000 GMT ]--
From: All I can say is 'Marowak' (kent)
Subject: I've got an idea...
These Sith blokes. Dark Jedi bods. They're all called Darth something.
You've got Darth Sidious, who, being a bad guy pretending to be a good guy is a
bit insidious.
You've got Darth Maul. Who's quite handy at mauling things.
And you've got Darth Vader, which Lucas tells us is a corruption of "Dark
Father"
So, since basically, it's Darth Something, where Something is basically what
you're like, I now unveil 7 new Sith Lords, who should appear in the next
movie:
Darth Happy
Darth Grumpy
Darth Sneezy
Darth Dopey
Darth Doc
Darth Bashful
Darth Sleepy
I'm predicting great merchandising opportunities for Darth Bashful.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 15 14:17:29 2000 GMT ]--
From: All I can say is 'Marowak' (kent)
Subject: Well done to Kroz for spotting a Sith Lord in Eastenders:
Darth Cotton.
How many Sith Lords can *you* spot?
No prizes for spotting the Sith Lords in either Charles Dickens or The Mr. Men
books. Darth Happy has long been known as a twisted, evil Mr. Man.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 15 14:23:51 2000 GMT ]--
From: All I can say is 'Marowak' (kent)
Subject: Rules of Soap Universes.
Every Soap Universe has rules which are assumed to be invisible to the observer
within that universe. Examples:
In Ramsay Street, More things happen than happen in any other street.
In Ramsay Street, tenancies are shorter than anywhere else.
In Ramsay Street, if anyone's looking for a place to live, rent or buy, a house
in Ramsay Street will be available.
If someone leaves Ramsay Street, a very similar person will appear to replace
that person.
I especially love it when these laws become so far fetched that the characters
themselves begin to observe them. Re: "How can so many terrible things happen
to one family?"
Today's was a gem. In neighbours, Lance observes that since Amy is not
currently having a crisis, then Anne must therefore be having one, since
there's always a girl having a crisis in Ramsay Street. Fantastic.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Mar 20 03:30:43 2000 GMT ]--
From: All I can say is 'Marowak' (kent)
Subject: Quite a day of travel.
2pm Liverpool->Manchester by train.
8pm->10.30pm Manchester->Milton Keynes by Car
11.30->12:30pm Milton Keynes->London by train
12:45-> 1am Euston->Trafalgar Square by Bus
1.30am-2:30am Trafalgar Square->Kingston on Thames by bus
2.45->3 Kinston->Walton by Taxi.
Gorblimey.
Kent Spotters may note that that pretty much takes in everywhere I've ever
lived, missing only Woking.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Mar 20 17:48:29 2000 GMT ]--
From: All I can say is 'Marowak' (kent)
Subject: I feel unusual.
Right. Bed at 4am. Wake at 9am. 5 hours sleep. Should do me, right? Then why do
I have that wrapped in cotton wool, unreality feeling?
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 22 11:47:07 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being John Leslie (kent)
Subject: See, now...
I went to bed at 2am last night, and I feel fine. What is it about those vital
hours, 2am-4am, that if I don't get those specific hours sleep, I feel like
death warmed up?
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Mar 22 21:51:36 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being John Leslie (kent)
Subject: Experiment...
I'll go to bed at 2am, and get up at 4am. see how I feel. Maybe all I need is
those two hours, and i've been wasting 6 hours of my life every day all these
years.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Mar 23 09:47:51 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being John Leslie (kent)
Subject: Didn't do it. What a scientific fraud I am.
I'll falsify some results. Works for NASA
"Last night, I took 2 hours sleep, from 2am to 4am. I feel terrible."
There. That saved an unpleasant thursday.
World seems less cluttered today. There seem to be less objects in it.
Posted a credit card application today. Egg have one last chance to throw it
out before I get access to their funds. Why is it, whenever I post anything, I
get an uncomfortable feeling of having posted my keys? <pat pat> No, I haven't.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Mar 23 22:20:19 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: Lunchtime brought glad tidings.
All my back pay from the last idiots who employed me will be paid to me in the
next 10 days by the DTi. Yay.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Mar 24 15:44:40 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: Nicked unashamedly from Dave Barry. i like.
"There's a test they can do to determine the gender of the baby ahead
of time; They insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the
uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy."
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Mar 24 17:05:57 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: It has been pointed out to me that an intelligent girl will do
likewise.
Gratifying to know.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Mar 24 17:10:07 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: I'm being stalked.
yesterday, I was phoned up at work. My boss took the call, and handed it over.
By the time it reached me, they'd hung up. The caller claimed to be someone
called "Donna", and that it was a personal call.
Another call today, this time a girl called Amanda. Also a personal call.
Also taken by someone else in the office, also hung up before i got to the
phone.
What is this? I suspect a credit checking agency is checking to see whether I
do work where I say I work. Or there are hordes of admiring women stalking me.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Mar 25 12:39:30 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: Stranger things have been known...
...but only in movies starring The Beatles.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Mar 30 19:56:27 2000 GMT ]--
From: Being Walker, Texas Ranger (kent)
Subject: Damn.
I've been so very clever and witty answering the security questions for my
credit card. And I can't tell anyone how witty I've been, because that would
completely ruin the point of security questions.
But i am clever and witty. Oh yes.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Apr 1 08:50:51 2000 GMT ]--
From: Play by Mono. <RRP> <RGO> G'wan, dare ya (kent)
Subject: this phone call is free. Lurvely.
Btinternet is arsewiited and ploddy, but it's way cheeaper than an 0845 number,
with the amount I spod. Stopgap until adsl...
Fabulous thing learned last night. Try it yourself.
An AOL CD makes a fantastic pizza cutter.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Apr 1 18:40:54 2000 GMT ]--
From: Play by Mono. <RRP> <RGO> G'wan, dare ya (kent)
Subject: Monster Spending Spree...
Today's Successes
1 Navy Blue sofabed. (NB pals. It is now safe to sleep at my house. The Futon
Of Death is no more)
1 new mobile phone (Weird Sony thing I've never heard of before. Looks a bit
weird, actually, but I couldn't face all those cookie cutter Nokias and
Ericssons. With their identical ringtones... Free phone, free connection, data
capable. Mmmm.)
1 Pocket Watch, from Warner Bros, with Batman Logo (This was today's "Why?"
"Because" purchase. Silver plate, pleasing Art Deco face.)
2 Roleplaying books
Ultima Online Second Age.
BT Internet 0800 service.
Today's failures:
There are, apparently, no size 11 Doc martens available in Surrey,
Plus a visit to the library, and a chinese takeaway at lunch, which was most
pleasant.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Apr 3 08:59:01 2000 GMT ]--
From: Play by Mono. <RRP> <RGO> G'wan, dare ya (kent)
Subject: Breakfast was a chocolate/polystyrene muffin.
I note that the eat by is 5/4/00. And I doubt it hit the shelves today. BAked
Goods don't live that long. I believe I just ate an Undead Muffin.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 6 10:22:37 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: Apparently, the work phone bill has isen 400 quid since I joined.
A lesser man would feel panic, or shame. I feel Pride.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 6 22:17:56 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: Mission Impossible II.
Themetune by Limp Bizkit. Rocks a bit. Lyrics add nothing to the MI experience,
but that was a tune that was always crying out for a bit of heavy guitar riff.
Hopefully, the soundtrack will involve an instrumental version.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Apr 7 14:37:35 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: Dear oh Dear Oh Dear.
Just got myself a pleasing new phone (Nokia 3210, since you ask. Features?
Performance? A Jedi craves not these things. Cheap, cheerful,nice curves. Like
the perfect woman.)
My immediate first action is of course to get on the net to locate some groovy
ringtones. I've set myself to a bland "Ring Ring", because the standard musical
tones scream "Hey look! I'm a tosser"
What do I find? A bunch of people offering to *sell* me ringtones. Msg them to
my phone, no less. I mean, *what*? You want me to *pay* to have you SMS me
stuff that you can't possibly have the copyright for?
I'm seriously thinking of grassing these bastards up to whoever does own the
relavent copyrights.
I'm also open to sugestions as to what might be a good distinctive ringtone.
The imperial March from Star Wars is the current front runner, although cheesy
70s TV themes are closely bunched in a pack behind.
---------------------------------------------[ Mon Apr 10 15:45:14 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: The weekend's product acquisitions.
128MB SDRAM for my machine, and a 20.4GB Hard drive. Rah.
Cushions for my nice new settee.
Videos.
A pair of DMs, at last. Comically, they were in this shop in Walton, which I
would never generally think would have such things. Hence, I could have had
these boots two weeks ago, had I known, and the traipse around
Kingston/Woking/Weybridge would not have been necessary.
The shop is astonishingly like the mens dept of Grace Brother's dept store in
Are You Being Served, and I was attended by two old gentlemen who lookd as if
they were about to say "Ooh, sir. Suits you." at any moment.
Most shops in that bit of Walton are closed down, as the old 60s shopping
centre awaits the bulldozer. Only these old diehard chaps remain, along with a
haberdashery shop next door. I don't even know what a haberdashery is.
If it ever comes to those two guys vs the bulldozers, I'll be betting on those
two guys.
---------------------------------------------[ Wed Apr 12 19:16:14 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: Another day, another dollar.
Another day spent spodding, and doing nothing productive. I really do hope this
is just me in need of a holiday, and not me already burned out with this job.
I really would like to have a job I gave a toss about, and actually would like
to do if I wasn't being paid. I understand people do have jobs like that, but
I've never had one.
The whole MI5 gig sounded pretty cool. I really should look into that more
strongly.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Apr 21 16:35:28 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Taste the knuckles of Captain Flag!" (kent)
Subject: Craig David. Fill me in.
As far as i can tell, the song appears to be about a father who doesn't want
Craig David shagging his daughter. Can't see a problem with that, talentless
little fleck of spittle that he is.
After listening to this mediocre little person incessently whinging on the
radio at me every morning, I hereby volunteer to fill in Craig David. Him and
the rest of the UK Garage talentless fuckmuppets.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Apr 21 19:20:34 2000 GMT ]--
From: "Bring me the Baps of Charlie Dimmock" (kent)
Subject: I love Alan Titchmarsh.
He's just opined that earthenware pots are great, because they look really
expensive, but in reality can be had for thirty quid.
Newsflash Alan: Thirty quid is a lot to pay for unfinished pottery. However big
it is.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue Apr 25 17:17:05 2000 GMT ]--
From: WhyDoesMyHeartFeelSoBad? Cholesterol (kent)
Subject: Locked myself out of my flat.
I am so very clever. Fortunately, I have planned for this eventuality, and have
a spare set here at work. It's nice to have your faith in your own stupidity
rewarded.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 27 20:15:30 2000 GMT ]--
From: WhyDoesMyHeartFeelSoBad? Cholesterol (kent)
Subject: Finally..
I have determined how to make my mum spend less than 2 hours on the phone to
me. I spend all my time online, and make her ring my mobile.
---------------------------------------------[ Thu Apr 27 22:18:52 2000 GMT ]--
From: WhyDoesMyHeartFeelSoBad? Cholesterol (kent)
Subject: Just because sausages look like nice sausages doesn't mean they are.
They may appear hand linked. They may appear coarse-ground. But they can still
be miserable soggy bags of gristle.
The Co-Op employ a man calling himself "Mr Lazenby" to make these sausages.
Sir, you are as poor a butcher as you are a James Bond.
---------------------------------------------[ Fri Apr 28 14:25:14 2000 GMT ]--
From: WhyDoesMyHeartFeelSoBad? Cholesterol (kent)
Subject: World's most violent barber.
Just got a haircut. Barber wielded his clipper like a samurai. Whacked my head
about, rather than moving it around gently, as you would hope. And there's a
fine line between brushing the hair away and hitting you with a brush.
Still, good haircut.
---------------------------------------------[ Sat Apr 29 07:53:31 2000 GMT ]--
From: Not Dead Yet (kent)
Subject: Lolly.
Just watched a bit of Saturday Morning TV (Diggit - the show that puts the turd
in saturday.)
On this, we have lolly miming to her latest poptastic hit. With her were two
dancers, both girls in their early twenties.
i have never seen a fixed grin in my life which so singly personifies the
thought "I want to die, my life is over" as was seen on the faced of those two
girls. Let this be a warning to seekers of fame and fortune. For evry Darcy
Bussell, there are 1000 girls pressganged into supporting talentless wastes
like Lolly.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue May 2 21:23:39 2000 GMT ]--
From: Still Not Dead Yet (kent)
Subject: Culinary success!
Take a green pepper (or a red pepper. Or a yellow one. I don't care. I'm not
some sort of Delia-Smith-esque recipe Nazi.) You could do one of each if you
like. Go mad.
Cut your pepper into quarters, lengthways, and scoop out the innards. Grill
skin side of peppers until they blacken. A bit. I don't want you all burning
your houses down. Well, maybe some of you. You know who you are.
Flip them over, and put a slice of cheese on each. I should have warned you
about the cheese, shouldn't I? Maybe i should be more of a recipe nazi. Delia
Smith would have told you about the cheese by now. You're all sitting there
with grilled peppers, and no cheese. I feel so guilty. Sorry. I'm surprised you
had the pepper, to be honest. Those of you who do have cheese - mozzarella is
probably the best bet, though any cheese is better than none at this stage.
Grill the cheesy side. Grill it until it goes all gooey, and bubbly and so on.
Garnish it with some stuff. At this stage, I'm not going to try and dictate to
you what the stuff should be, just use what you have to hand. I learned my
lesson with the cheese. Just for reference, I think olives and black pepper
might be an idea. Or even an anchovy per slice of pepper, unless you don't like
anchovies. In which case, I wouldn't bother, since we'll be eating these things
in a moment, and you'll regret it. Any likely pizza topping is probably
helpful.
Eat carefully. These things have just been under the grill, and I don't want
you burning yourselves. Aren't they nice? If not, you've done it wrong.
Eitherher that or I did them wrong, and thus made them nice, and the standard
state fie something like this is Nasty. I don't know. Decide for yourselves.
A rush of genius suggests to me that tabasco sauce on the peppers before
grilling might be a winner. Then again, it may be taking things Too Far.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue May 2 23:06:21 2000 GMT ]--
From: If I throw a stick, will you leave? (kent)
Subject: Rik's said a few nice things about my recipe. Peace, man.
A few nice ideas surfaced. You might want to remove that blackened skin off of
the peppers. Way I see it, the skin gives it a slightly bitter, charcoally
edge, which I appreciate. Without it, though, you really get the sweetness of
the pepper just shining through. Maybe we should take the middle path. Get rid
of the skin, but don't get too concerned if you leave a few flecks on here or
there. Worrying about it will only ruin your day anyway.
Feta cheese has been suggested as an admirable cheese. I can dig that. Feta
cheese has a place in this recipe, though i wouldn't want any of you who just
don't have Feta cheese to go and think that your cheese is inferior because
it's not greek, or made of goat's milk. Feta is just one of many fine cheeses.
In all, i think the reader has to take all this on board, and then find his own
way. Such is the way with enlightenment.
---------------------------------------------[ Tue May 2 23:40:17 2000 GMT ]--
From: If I throw a stick, will you leave? (kent)
Subject: Hoi all you people in the year 100!
Stop reading my diary! You're messing up the timeline!
