Day in the Life of A. Spod IV ----------------------------- Tuesday ------- It's exam time. Here's my exam timetable: Mon Tues Wed Thu Fri --- ---- --- --- --- A.M. 9 sleep sleep exam exam tough 10 sleep sleep exam exam exam 11 sleep sleep mono mono mono 12 mono mono mono mono mono P.M. 1 mono revise mono revise mono 2 mono exam mono exam mono 3 mono exam mono exam mono 4 revise mono mono mono mono 5 revise mono mono mono mono 6 mono mono mono mono mono 7 mono mono mono revise mono 8 mono mono mono revise mono 9 mono mono mono sleep mono 10 mono mono mono sleep mono 11 mono revise revise sleep mono As you can see, I've had to cut down on my mono usage this week. Unfortunately I overslept yesterday by two hours, so I had to drop my revision time to keep up with events on mono. The computers were down last weekend so me and Spodfactor10 got together to revise. We soon got bored started reciting passages from Roger Ratshit's Diskjerm series to each other. The exam today was "Mud programming techniques" so I didn't have to do much revision anyway. After the exam, I went Baldspod who works for the computing unit. He's helping me and Douglasadamscharacter write our mud. He shares an office with Beardedspod and 70srefugee. All three are great guys, and know all Roger Ratshit's books inside out. Tomorrow morning's exam is "Outmoded Software Methods." Our university leads the world in it's Outmoded software methods course. Lecturers come from all around the world to study it. I should be revising now, but I'm getting ready for a jam with the band. Yep, I am the new recruit in Nolife and the Nintendos. I play the tambourine on our version of Purple's 'Mono Rap.' Metalspod (guitar) says purple is so deep he should be called Deep Purple. I think music jokes are so sad. Nolife (vocals and xylophone) has written to Purple asking him to join our band, but we don't hold out much hope. He must surely soon be offered a record contract. I don't know why Beanburger banned him from Beanoculture. Jealousy probably. None of Bean's songs ever mention mono, he just hasn't got the talent. CharismaNil (stylophone) says that every band should have an identity. So we're off to Millet's this weekend to buy one. I say blue pakamacs and brown corduroys. Greekspod (tom-toms) says brown pakamacs and blue corduroys. I fear we may have a clash of personalities within the band. But we are all professionals and will certainly stay together until our first gig. At Fat_spod's birthday party. Other mono bands may also be appearing there too. Such as The Anoraknids, The Spodettes, u2u, and The Fork and Spoon Experience. Me and Nolife have been working on our own material. We are currently writing a gentle ballard called 'Sheri.' Later ----- The jam went really badly. Me and Nintendo (keyboards) fell out over whether or not we would sell-out and appear on Top of the Pops. Gothspod said we shouldn't do any TV until we've topped the bill at either Glastonbury or Reading. Rockspod said "Donnington" but spodikins (recorder) said his mum wouldn't let him go to Donnington because it is too dangerous. In the end, Rockspod, Metalspod and Gothspod left the band to form ASCIIdeth. Nintendo said "Well in that case I'm forking well going solo," and stormed off taking his Casio VLTone with him. Me and Nolife just looked at each other and then gave a heart-felt rendition of 'Sheri.' Sheri... you make it better Although the clouds make it wetter Sheri... you're so far away Yet you chase those clouds away Sheri... you're not so dumb You cheer me up when my terminal's hung Sheri... if my dreams were true I'd FTP myself to you ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday --------- I should be revising, or on mono, but instead I'm off to Spoddlers Bar. Abdabs will be there and I want to talk to him about the section I want to start: Spodculture. Also Phalopia will be there. Down to see Abdabs this time[] Later ----- I think the pressures of mono superstardom are going to Bean's head. He's gone mad. I pointed him out to Fluffybeard who went over and said "I hear you're Bean." "Yeah I'm sorry about that, I've tried shutting it up, but it takes no notice," He replied. He's lost his sense of humour too. I read him my list of 101 X-windows jokes, and he never laughed once. In fact he got quite aggressive after the first three. "But hang on," I said, "you'll like number 24." Fortunately he'd only pushed the rolled-up list a quarter of the way up my nose before Abdabs pulled him away. Me, Fluffybeard, halfatash, login, directory, inode, sega, logon, logoff, logout, DOS_SIX, IBM, ICL, network, mainframe and Welshspod decided it was best if we all sat away from the others. A little later, Bracknell turned up with his friend Braknel and girlfriend Bracknelle. After saying hello to everyone here, they went over to the other table. I heard them all say in unison "Hello, we're Bracknell, Braknell and Bracknelle, and we come from Bracknell Polytechnic, in Bracknell." 37 people were admitted to Barts hospital with perforated eardrums. I can still hear Bean screaming in my head hours after he was sedated by police marksmen using drugged bullets. Bracknell, Braknel and Bracknelle said that as soon as they'd got their hearing back, they would pay him a visit and make sure he's okay. They're so thoughtful. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Weeks later, evening ------------------------ I think I'm going to kill myself. I don't need this in the middle of my exams. If only Abdabs knew the power he has within his hands. He won't be so quick to ban people when my brains are spilt on the pavement below Spoddy Hall. Every 10 seconds, I've been reconnection to monochrome to see if Abdabs has had a change of heart. But I'm still banned. It's agony because I know that this is the time of day Sheri is usually on. It's not fair. I shouldn't have been banned. I was provoked beyond reasonable limits. Me and Saaad had just put in our 36th consecutive edit nominating Sheri for mono babe when suddenly our edits disappeared and we could no longer add to the file. Very soon a new file appeared in Beanculture, 'Saddest gits on mono award.' Me, Saaad, Astrafork and Astraspoon had all been nominated by Bean. And then he added that me and Saaad had "brought the term 'babe' into disrepute." This was clearly an insult directed at Sheri. I was outraged. Sheri has done more to make mono what it is than Bean, GNoME, Hiredwilly and Abdabs put together. Mono would be nothing without her. Incensed, I examined Bean and added a comment. "Who the fuck do you think you are insulting Sheri?" Very soon he replied "I think I'm fucking Bean, that's who." Shortly after another comment, this time from GNoME. "I thought that was me." Bean then added, "Later, darling." I couldn't believe they were making light of a very serious situation. "I hope you fucking die." I commented. Bean came back, "I'd say the same, but you need a life to be able to die." "Fuck off, I hate you all." I put. Soon after I was thrown off and when I tried to get back on I found I had been banned. I was so angry I started to cry. It was so unfair. Sadfork tried to comfort me by saying that Bean would have been banned too. But I just wailed that he is very seldom on anyway. I don't think he is as committed to mono as I am. He certainly doesn't respect Sheri. As my sobs turned to sniffles my mood became lower and lower as I contemplated the rest of my life without mono. I'll send Abdabs another bit of mail, pleading with him to let me back. I've send him 16 already, but another one can only help. I've mailed Sheri asking her to put my case to Abdabs. And in a minute I'll mail everyone I know and ask them to a) petition Abdabs to let me back, and b) boycott Beanculture. I may even ask everyone to go on strike and not use mono for a day. How would Bean, Crumby, GNoME, Hiredwilly, Yello, Rinsewash and Abdabs like it if Fork, Spoon, Astra, Crapbeard, Nolife, Nintendo, Togaman, Peeinthesnow, Bracknell, Bracnelle, Braknel, Basingstoke, Welshspod, Login, Logon, Logout, Spottispod, Esempi, Saddo, Spoddi, LED, The_spod, Tackline, Washingline, Unwashed, Smellyspod, Hopeless, Lifeless, Voidlife and Purple all stopped using mono at the same time. They'd be pleading with us all to come back within the hour. Then who would be laughing? Not them that's for sure. Following morning ----------------- After a whole night of waiting, I finally got my account back. No thanks to any of my friends. I could persuade noone to log off even for a five minute protest. I came on as guest but it's not the same. When I'm on as me, you can tell I'm popular by the amount of people that immediately go to send me a message but in their haste to be the first to talk to me, miss the 'S' key and hit 'D' for disconnect. I sent Bean the following apology by E-mail: Dear Beanburger, Please forgive me. I know you didn't mean what you said about Sheri. I know in your heart you realise as much as me how much she has done for us all. I'm sure you love her as I do. Yours Monoly A.Spod He didn't reply, but copied the mail to the 'Saddest Git on Mono' file, claiming it was the clincher for first place. I hate him more than Crumby, now. When me and Nolife open Spodculture, we are going to make sure he can't read any of the files. It's a bit vindictive, I know, but it'll teach him to mess with me. A.Spod 5/93